I don't know how much emotional strength I have this morning to post a blog.  Four weeks ago tonight I lost my Ray forever!  I am trying to compose my thoughts right now during a cry. 

 

I came home last night after having dinner with some friends.  How wonderful that so many people are trying to keep me busy, occupied and fed!  And they care very much about how I am doing.  But walking into the house at night after being out is pure "hell."  I came in and had a "melt down."  I let my cries settle and then called my mom....yes, mom again.  I needed to talk.  I can come and go all day, but when I come home at night after being with friends it is unbearable.  I am beginning to think I need to turn down all dinner invitations.  It's not that I'm sad because the house is empty.  It's the fact that Ray isn't here with me.  Most nights after coming home from friends we would either watch some TV together, or just go do our own things before bed time...no big deal.  Just having that "other person" there was peaceful.  It made us "one."  I now feel like one half.  I truly feel like half of me is missing. 

 

After talking with my mom I called Ray's sister Marguerite back.  (She had called earlier.)  We chatted and shared stories.  I told her I wasn't sure if I could sleep in "our" bed yet tonight.  I decided to go upstairs to check on the cats and see how I might feel about it.  I did sleep upstairs in "our" bed last night.  I slept very good and even had a dream about going on a walk with Ray.  I woke up and laid on my new couch watching TV.  Gabby (our white cat) was curled up between my legs in a blanket.  I decided to get up and she got tangled in the blanket and rolled off the couch to the floor.  (It was't a "drop" she mainly got startled.)  All of a sudden she started panting for breath.  It was like she couldn't breath right (she has been having issues like this for months now...she is VERY old).  It freaked the HELL out of me.  I just laid with her trying to calm her down and I started crying...I just can't lose one of my "babies" right now!!  She seems to have settled down to a more normal breathing (normal for her).  But I will be keeping my eye on her today.  We have had her for about 14 years and at that time the Vet estimated she may be around 7 years old.  So, for sure she is at least 20 years old or so. 

 

I came downstairs to check on Moscow.  Immediately she came to me and is now lying right next to me (purring) on the bed in room three.  (My "Grey Gardens" room as I now call it.)  I started a melt down just before writing my journal.  During these "melt downs" I just cry and cry saying "I don't think I can go on."  What I mean is, these horrible feelings of missing Ray, being alone, not having him around to share life with....if I have these feelings forever I just don't think I can handle it.  I guess I wish I could just fast forward two years.  Get through all the emotions, grieving and crying.  But I guess that is what makes you stronger.  That is what gives you the faith and strength you need in future situations.  It's a growing process.  At least that is what I am telling myself.  A friend of mine told me that someone told her "When God closes one door he opens another.  But he dosn't tell you the hallway is a bitch!"  How true is that!  I have a very long hallway I'm going through right now...and it's a bitch! - Jimmy

I made toast this morning for the first time since I made a sandwich for Ray.  I remember how good he said it was (I usually stacked it with lots of meat).  This memory brought tears to my eyes that ended up in a pretty deep cry.  It's little things you don't expect which will make you break down.  What next?

 

My counselor told me that if I go through the grief process correctly it will take two years!!!  My gosh, it's been less than a month!  I've got a long way to go.  Plus, I know that I will grieve for my Ray forever!  Maybe I will go outside and feed the birds for him today.  He fed them last when he came home last month. 

 

My new furniture arrives today for the apartment.  Plus, I plan to make up "our" bed and sleep in it tonight.  Hopefully!  We'll see how that goes.

 

A month ago today we moved him up to the third floor since all our guests were checking-in for the New Year's package.  Just 30 days ago he was alive.  Sometimes it seems like months....with everything that I've had to do since then and all that has gone on.  The question is true:  "Who knows what tomorrow brings?"  Enjoy those around you TODAY!  - Jimmy

I knew I had to "do something" today (it's the "German" in me);  I had soooo much laundry to do so I took it all to the local laundry mat (1/4 mile away) and loaded up seven washers with laundry....six dryers...and folded...folded...folded.  Within 2 1/2 hours it was done and put away.  Phew!  I HAD to get caught up. 

 

I went to the post office to get a piece of mail weighed that I was sending to Ray's sister Kathleen.  The Postmaster asked if "we" had a mascot at Kirby House.  They have a black kitten they are taking care of...someone dropped it off.  I wanted to see it, so they let me behind the counter to see it and pet it.  I just knew that Moscow would NEVER allow a young, cute, kitten in the house.  So, if anyone is looking for a cute, pure black kitten, call me.

 

I went to the cemetery tonight.  Talked to Ray about the day.  The sun was actually out.  It was a nice evening.  I decided to talk a walk.  It was an exhilirating walk!  It was about 22 degrees out, but only about a one mile walk.  So, I feel like I got some "normal" stuff done today.  Laundry, mail, exercise....I even think I got my sump pump working ok...let's hope!  Or there will be a lot of water in the basement!  But, as Ray said..."don't worry, there's nothing you can do about it."  - Jimmy

 

Oh, my sister is having a baby girl in June!  I think the due date is June 25th!!

I received a phone call last night from a good friend.  A customer of his is a doctor who is very familiar with colon cancer, stages, survival rates, etc.  After hearing about Ray's diagnosis (Stage 3C cancer) he said that Ray's 5 year survival rate would be between 30% to 44%...more likely on the lower end.  That would be only if we did all the correct treatments, diets, medical care, etc.  I just confirmed those statistics on the internet. That being said, had Ray not died from his heart failure he would probably have lived a very complicated and debilitating life over the next five years with only a 30% chance of living beyond that.  He would have suffered terribly.  If things were different...if Ray had dropped dead of a heart attack (with no prior medical problems) I think I would be even more at grief than I am (I wonder how much worse it could be).  Knowing that had he lived he would have suffered terribly makes it somewhat easier for me to deal with.  Because I would not have wanted to watch him suffer and his life deteriorate.  I don't know if that makes any sense.  I sure know it doesn't take the hurt or loss away. 

 

This morning I began thinking about how I will rearrange our Innkeepers' Quarters (IQ).  I then moved to thoughts about evening dinners together.  After all the guests would check-in we would go off on our own, either outside on the back deck, a side corner of the front porch, the dining room, or in our IQ sitting on the floor watching TV...eating our dinner.  We would talk about the day's events, about guests that have checked-in, what we were doing for breakfast tomorrow.  Maybe even talk about an upcoming vacation...or even get into an argument!  Dinner to us was one of the most special times of the day.  I realized those days are gone!  I will be eating by myself now.  No one to cook for me, no one for me to cook for.  No conversations or talks about our life plans.  I cried and cried.  Then I realized that I was being selfish.  Ray is at peace.  I only want him here to be with me...to take away my pain...because I miss him.  I want him here so I can make him happy and he can make me happy.  That seems selfish to me.

 

So, this is how my day begins today.  Emotions and feelings flooding my soul.  I am thankful I had 21 years to share with someone that was my "best friend."  Ray will live FOREVER in my heart and my life.  - Jimmy 

The wind is fierce today and temperatures are too  With a high of 15 degrees today it makes me long for summer. 

 

I felt I was doing "good" yesterday.  Had a great talk with my grief counselor, did some things around the house, had leftovers...then BAM!  Right in the middle of washing my dishes I felt like I just couldn't go on.  The reality of never seeing Ray again just overtook me.  I cried intensely.  After I calmed down a little I called my mom.  Her voice and conversation helped soothe the ache in my heart a little.  I felt better...but ached the rest of the night. 

 

I had a dream about Ray last night.  (In this dream there were other members of my family who passed on also:  my grandmother, father and brother.)  In my dream Ray was with me but no one else could see him.  Ray said it is because he is dead and not physically there, but I saw him...I held him...I talked to him, but no one else could.  It made me happy.  It made me feel that even though he was dead, I could see, hold and talk to him.  I guess it's what my mind would like, so it plays out my desires in my dreams.  I like that!  I like to see him.

 

My furnace is still acting up so I gave in and called the furnace company.  I really don't need that expense right now.  The furnace goes on and heat comes out but the temp won't go above 67 degrees. 

 

Today is a new day.  I'm cold, but I've got to get to the bank before the furnace people come.  Erronds to run, projects to do.  Emotions have to be put on hold.  - Jimmy

It's about 5:50 p.m.  I sit on the bed in room three looking out the big, beautiful bay window.  I should see the deer soon!  The snow is falling and the wind is blowing (but I don't have "my love" to keep me warm). 

 

It still seems incomprehensible to me that Ray will be gone forever.  My mind has not fully accepted it yet.  I would miss Ray when I would visit my mom in Detroit for a few days.  But I always knew I would see him again soon.  Now I go through my daily activities alone.  Even if I went shopping alone, or ran erronds alone before he died...I never felt "alone."  Now I do.  There are all kinds of crazy feelings and emotions going on.  I shared one of my feelings with my grief counselor today.  It is such a crazy feeling I don't even want to share it in my blog yet.  (People will think I'm nuts!)  It stems from an inner feeling of denial. 

 

Tonight is the type of wintery night Ray would make some kind of simple and warm dinner.  Chili, chicken noodle soup...some kind of stew.  Always the type of thing that would make you think of "home."  I can imagine the house smelling so good from his chili cooking on the stove!  But, it's only me tonight.  So, I'll have leftovers from Monday night when Friedl was here.  Some chicken, corn and mac and cheese.  Maybe I'll go downstairs and see if there is anything in the freezer from Ray (for a future night).  I know I have the Thanksgiving dinners (and the turkey soup from the left over turkey), but I'm not sure if there is anything else he made in one of the freezers. 

 

One thing I realized over the last couple days (and my grief counselor confirmed today) is how much I truly did love Ray.  If my love wasn't so real and so deep I wouldn't feel like I do.  So, my pain and grief let me know that I had such a wonderful life with Ray.  A happy life in which I loved him more than I knew!  - Jimmy

I awoke today at about 6:15 a.m.  I had a dream about water in the basement, so the first thing I did when I woke was to check the basement.  Sure enough, there was some ground water coming in.  I had to bundle up and go out in the blizzard wind and temps and shake that darn sump pump...it kicked on.  Every year at this time I have trouble with that thing.  Thank God I caught it before more water came in.

 

In the news is the coverage of the upcoming "State of the Union" address.  I remembered Ray and I watching Bush's address in 2004 while we were in Paris.  After his speech we decided to stay in our hotel room and not go out for dinner.  I wish he were here to see Obama's first State of the Union.  For that matter, I just wish Ray were still here. 

 

I have started to feel "numb" again.  I don't know if I've pushed my grief/emotions to the back or if I am actually getting better.  I miss Ray like crazy, but I almost have no emotions right now.  I will discuss this with my grief counselor today.  - Jimmy

Had a great time at Wick's Park Bar & Grill.  But it is so wierd coming home "alone."  Eventually it will become a part of my life, but right now it is not nautral  I miss you Ray!  I wish you were here next to me...talking about our day, our future.  I love you - mean it, Jimmy.

It is about 5:30 p.m.  I feel as if I have accomplished a lot today.  I went up to our third floor Innkeepers' Quarters (IQ) and cleaned, vacuumed, and steam cleaned the carpeting.  Getting ready for the new sectional furniture being delivered this Saturday.  The cats LOVED it that I was up there "doing things."  I threw out some old/tired shoes of Ray's.  In doing so I started to go through some of his clothes and realized I needed to stop.  That was going just too far.  So I finished cleaning the carpet up there.  I replaced a bured out bulb outside, went to the post-office and cemetery.  I guess for me that is coming a long way.  Especially cleaning up in the apartment.  I hope to be sleeping up there again by Saturday or Sunday. 

 

I just saw several deer next door (out the window from room three).  I really do love this room!  Comfortable and a great view.  (Plus the new TV I bought for Ray in here makes it nice.)

 

I'm not sure if I'm feeling better enough because I am able to deal with things, or if the new medication from my doctor has helped.  Maybe a little of both. 

 

Tonight Richard and Larry are coming by and we are going to "Wick's Park Bar & Grill."  They have made me commit to spending Tuesday night's with them, to give me some sense of a schedule and normality. 

 

Tomorrow I have grief counseling.  I feel like I should just have my counselor read my blogs from the last two weeks before I get there and save some time. 

 

I have "Ray's Shows" on right now..."Around the Horn" and "Pardon the Interruption."  I used to HATE hearing those shows blast from the kitchen.  Now the background noise from those shows is so comforting...in a way.  

 

I am going to get cleaned up...so I look half way decent when I leave the house tonight.  - Jimmy 

Tuesday morning.  Snow, cold.  I awake from a decent night's sleep.  My friend Friedl came by last night for dinner.  She brought chicken and corn (my favorite) and I made mac and cheese.  We watched Ray's Life Story video (since she was out of town for his funeral).  We shared stories and memories of Ray.  How nice!  My mornings begin "good" as usual.  My mind still can't wrap around the fact that Ray is not here.  It just feels like he should be in the next room.  At one point last night I thought I heard him clear his throat in the other room.  Just a noise...but the mind plays games.  I even thought I felt him sit at the end of my bed last night. 

 

By the way, yesterday was the anniversary of Ray's parents death.  They both died on January 25...three years apart.  Talk about dying of a broken heart!

 

I have copied a poem I had to memorize in high school (Pensacola Christian School).  It has been a poem which has been in the back of my mind for 25 years.  I looked it up and found numerous analysis' of it.  I included one analysis I found at the end of this poem.  Feel free to email your thoughts of this poem to me at:  jim@kirbyhouse.com

 

 

Death be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not soe,

For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,

Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill mee.

From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,

Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,

Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.

Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,

And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,

And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then?

One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,

And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

 

John Donne addresses Death as one would speak to a foe, harassing employee, or even an annoying bully who is too weak and without power to deliver his/her threats. Donne tells Death that he should not be so arrogantly proud even though some have made him think he is mighty and one to be feared. He points out to Death that he is far from being any of those things.
He goes on to tell Death that even though he thinks he succeeded in overthrowing people.
They are the ones who deliver their souls and who rest their bones even when death may not be ready for them. So it is Death that is a slave to fate, accidents, suicides, war, and sickness. Death must dwell with them and must also cease when these men die. Donne mocking Death says that even "poppy and charms" can provide a better sleep because Death is just a weakling.
Donne points out that sleep which is the first death is short and one wakes to live for eternity. Thus Death is defeated and will no longer be. So Donne tells death that he shouldn't puff up with pride for it is Death that will face the real death. The first death for the believer is only a physical death; only the body is destroyed. This physical death serves as a portal to eternity.
Donne drew from his priesthood studies the knowledge of the afterlife. Through his writings he was able to make death seem less threatening to himself and to the people of his time. After all, who has not questioned his/her existence after death? People are curious and tend to fear the unknown.
Donne ends his admonishment very boldly: "Death thou shall die." The reader can sense that death is truly defeated forever more. There is some satisfaction in reading these words even if just for the moment. Anxious ones can return every now and then to the Scriptures and to "Death be not Proud" to find peace and encouragement.
Written by : Alaa Cali4nia Boy

As usual, I begin my days feeling good.  I awake and am thankful for another day God has given me.  I feel like I've come to terms with things.  Then I begin to wonder if I am just trying to convince myself of that.  I fold laundry and come across clothes Ray last wore.  The strength I felt earlier in the day is erased by the reminder of his permanent loss.  I breakdown and cry.  Carefully folding each piece of his clothing as if he plans to wear it again.  I smooth it out slowly and with great thought...mostly because it is about as close as I can get to him.  I compose myself, get my "self proclaimed strength" back and move on with the laundry and other duties I have put off for so long.

 

I called Ray's home nurse today (Jody).  I wanted to know what I needed to do to make sure he did not get another month's supplies for his ileostomy.  She said she would take care of it.  We had quite a lengthy conversation about what transpired between her last visit on December 31, 2009 and today.  I updated her on everything.  She stated that the things that happened in the last hours of his life would seem to indicate his heart was "shutting down."  (Ray's physician termed it as "something must have been brewing.")  Jody said what happened to Ray was inevitable and taking him to the hospital would have just meant he would have died there.  She said that since his defib never activated (except for when I performed CPR) would indicate that his death was sudden and instant.  She said he probably laid his head back to rest and within an instant was dead.  She reassured me that everything I did, every step I took would have been exactly as she would have done.  I feel better about this because she is the medical professional which was here to observe him, check on his status and ensure his care.  She saw what I saw.  The input she gave me was not from an "outsider" who is trying to make me feel better about the circumstances.  She also said the pain in his lower back could even have been other cancer that had spread and we did not know about yet.  (Just a possibility based on the aggressiveness of the cancer.)  I must trust God's will - but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

In addition to catching up on some laundry - I even caught up on the bills!  All on time!  Now I will shower and go to the post office and the pharmacy.  A new prescription for my anxieties, guilt, sadness, etc. 

 

The snow is begining to fall pretty heavy out there...maybe I'll take the shower later!  Keep praying...it's working!  Love and Peace, Jimmy

Ok, so now I've moved on to my iPod.  Listenting to music Ray loved.  Fleetwood Mac (Sara), Tina Turner (Let's Stay Together)....talk about a tear jerker!!!!!  Just listen to the music that means so much to the two of you.  It tears you apart!  Why do we humans torment ourselves?  Memories, fear of loss, trying to keep the past here in the present? 

Things seemed to be going well today.  I really am taking every project at a very slow pace.  I did finally get the garland and lights down from outside.  No tears!  I put them up on November 10, 2009.  I remember I was on the second floor roof putting the lights on the garland as Ray left for his regular six month physical.  He said nothing to me when he left.  (I don't even know if he saw me up there.)  He was so happy when he came home.  His physical went great.  His blood pressure was great.  He felt so good.  He felt good that he was "doing what he was supposed to do" by scheduling his colonoscopy two weeks later.  It was "routine" of course.  Taking the garland and lights down today is kind of like closing yet another chapter of this tragic two month ordeal.  It's another step towards moving on. 

 

I want to start remembering Ray in a positive and joyous way...not outbursts of crying, screaming, and anger.  I just might be getting there.  I had some tears this morning watching the DVD from our vacation last year, but no outbursts.  It wasn't until about 3:45 p.m. when I went upstairs and started to go through things.  Old birthday cards, anniversary cards, etc.  Reading the personalized sentiments on the cards just took my emotions overboard...and BAM!  But, I'm OK now.

 

I will go to the cemetery tonight.  Shortly.  It's therapeutic for me.  I feel good when I am there. 

 

Tomorrow I may just fold the TONS of laundry in the basement and clean the carpets upstairs in our Innkeepers quarters.  Maybe.  I think I have some bills to pay too.  - Jimmy

I awake this moring on the third week anniversary of Ray's death.  I also awake this morning feeling somewhat "good."  My mornings usually start out pretty good anyway, but then the day usually goes downhill from there.  For some reason I feel today will be different.  I'm sure I'll have my moments today, but I'm thinking that I won't have a breakdown.  I don't know why I feel that way, I just do.  It may have to do with my comment to Ray at the cemetery last night and the dream I had.  I told him how much I missed him and I begged him to come to me in a dream last night...just to let me know he knew how much I loved him and missed him.  Guess what?  I had a dream with him in it...it was very, very brief and I can't even remember the details.  He seemed to be very busy doing something so I couldn't really spend time with him.  It was short...and I don't even think we had any type of conversation.  I don't know how much I believe that our loved ones actually visit us in our dreams versus our minds creating what we want.  Whatever the case...God is helping me through this with my dreams.  As a friend of mine wrote in an email, dreams help your mind sort and file things:

 

Today the temperatures are supposed to go into the 40's.  I will try to get the Christmas garland and lights down from the second floor roof.  Maybe even the first floor too.  Otherwise with the temps lowering all this week they may be up there for quite a while longer. 

 

A year ago today Ray and I boarded our Princess Cruise ship for a Mexican Riviera Cruise.  This week I will relive that last "big" vacation we had.  I am so happy that I bought a new DVD video camera to capture that trip.  I almost didn't bring it.  I have tons of pictures, but it is so nice to have video and audio!

 

Last night I went to dinner at a local restaurant with my friend Victor.  He invited me to go some of his friend's house for dinner but I just can't deal with social situations like that right now.  I can handle people coming here to the house, but going to other people's houses with groups of people is difficult for me. 

 

I'm looking forward to the days that I will celebrate the memories of Ray versus the complete depression, sadness, guilt and anger.  Today feels like it might be a good day.  I'm sure I'll cry and who knows...I may even have a breakdown, but right now I feel stable!  Keep praying.  - Jimmy 

(This is Ray in our cabin on the Sapphire Princess Ship.)

 

Daily I relive the events of January 3, 2010.  What happened?  Why did it happen?  Should I have seen it coming?  Could I have done more?  The questions, the guilt, the sadness, the anger...all fill my mind.  I search.  I ask questions.  Sometimes I find some insight.

 

I have done some research regarding colon cancer surgery and it's potential complications.  I am trying to see if his heart failure had anything to do with the colon cancer/surgery.  One of my searches gave me this information about one of the complications of colon surgery:

 

 

(One of the problems I had with Ray was trying to get him out of the bed and walking around.  He said he was in too much pain.)

 

Another search gave me this information on Wikipedia:

 

 

I know I will never have "the answer" as to what or why, but I will continue to research and learn as much as I can.  I feel I am starting to understand more.  Ray had a long road ahead of him with chemo and radiation.  He was very afraid of those treatments and told me on that Sunday afternoon that he didn't think his body would be able to handle it.  I assured him his doctor and the oncologist would determine what he could handle.  Maybe God knew the answer and decided to keep him from suffering more.  At least that is what I want to believe.  Because our ultimate question is always to GOD.  "Why did you take him?" 

 

One of my problems right now is that I don't actually have a "daily routine."  I don't really "have" to be somewhere at any particular time, so my mind anguishes. 

 

Last night my friends Victor and Kelly came by.  They are doing their best to keep me company and keep my mind occupied.  It works well.  We ordered pizza and just chatted.  Today Victor has asked me to go to a movie with him.  I think that is a good idea and am planning to do that.  My new days go on...but I miss my Ray!  I love him forever.  - Jimmy

"Sweet Hour of Prayer" was one of Ray's favorite hymns.  It was on a CD I bought when we purchased our condo in Saugatuck in 1996.  Everytime the CD played this song at the Kirby House Ray always said "this reminds me of the condo."  The last verse of the song is as follows:

 

Below is from an email sent to me by a guest (who was at the house the night of Ray's death).  He gave me permission to share his dream. 

 

I awoke this morning after a dream of Ray.  In the dream I was preparing for his funeral...looking out a second floor window.  A car pulled up with our friends Fred and Kym.  There were four people in the vehicle.  Fred was in the driver's seat, Kym and an unidentified person were in the back seat and a man which appeard to be Ray was in the front passenger's seat.  I yelled out the window..."Who is that in the front seat?"  That individual silently mouthed "RAY."  I couldn't believe it...I was in shock.  I went RUNNING down the stairs and out the front.  I was wearing a suit for the funeral.  As Ray got out of the car I just hugged him and asked what was going on.  He said that they really didn't bury him (for some reason now the dream took a turn whereas the funeral was in past tense).  He said they kept him under observation because they thought they might be able to revive him, but went on with a "fake" funeral so as not to delay anything.  I was so happy.  Obviously this dream was created by the desires in my mind...to have him back.  To make things as if they didn't happen or could be changed.  If only that were true.

 

I had a short cry today after looking at an email.  The email was from a bed and breakfast we stayed at in Ft. Lauderdale.  When I opened the email there was an arial view of the B&B.  I could see "our room" and it made me cry.

 

Last night I had Thanksgiving Dinner.  Every year Ray made dinner that would feed 5,000.  At the end of the night he had an assembly line process of making frozen "TV dinners" (as he called them) for us to enjoy for months to come.  We both had one after he returned home from the hospital in December.  Last night I had one and enjoyed a wonderful home cooked dinner by Ray.  I will ration those dinners as I will the other items he made and froze before he wnet into the hospital.

 

Today is another new start for me.  I dread what is ahead.  I do my chores and run my erronds emotionless.  Sometimes a cry does burst in.  But I do the minimal chores and erronds I have to do.  They are a struggle.  If I can put something off, I do.  I'm allowing myself through February 4 to get back to some sense of normality.  The ancient Hebrews set aside forty days for mourning.  I'm sure mine will continue much after, but I will try to get back to living a somewhat normal life after 31 days.  The mourning will go on forever.  As I close, please pray for my strength today.  I appreciate all the emails of support and kind words of encouragement.  I may leave the house today to avoid having an all day "pity party."  - Jimmy 

Why?

This afternoon was a bit rough.  I made the decision to go into our Innkeepers quarters and start cleaning up.  I didn't want to.  I wanted time to stop.  I wanted to save it.  I started by stripping the bed Ray had slept in...throwing out his Gatorade, coughdrop he left on the side table, and putting things back where they belonged.  I saw his unfinished crosswords.  I broke down.  I cried like I haven't cried in a few days.  I kept screaming that "I don't want to go on."  I then called my mother.  (A mother will ALWAYS be a mother...especially to her son.)  She said I could always call her when I needed to...and I needed to.  I cried to her about feeling guilty, wishing I had done some things differently, etc.  She calmly talked me through it.  It was alomst 15 years ago that she went through the same thing...the loss of her husband.  She made me feel better.  I needed the outburst though.  I needed that cry to release the pent up emotions inside.  As I recovered, I then finished taking our tree (in our quarters) down, cleaned out the refrigerator in our pantry, and threw away some junk.  It must have been a very good release of emotions.

 

Earlier today I made a comment about something that had me very, very upset.  I should have heeded the advice of Ray I speak of so often..."don't worry, there's nothing you can do about it."  It all worked out just fine.  I think that is one of the reasons I didn't sleep so well last night...I worried...and the fact that I hadn't had a real good emotional outburst cry in a couple days. 

 

The funeral home dropped off the DVD of Ray's Life Story (which can be viewed at our website) as well as a coffee table picture book.  I am so impressed with the services provided by Dykstra's Funeral Home.  As morbid as it may sound, I would highly recommend them.  They are compassionate, detailed, service oriented, and they did a damn good job on Ray.  He looked GREAT!  I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but we buried him in his Chef uniform.  He looked like he was sleeping and would awake at any moment.  Not like some funeral homes where the person almost looks plastic.  Even some guests who attended the funeral said it looked like Ray laying out at the pool (well, without the bathing suit). 

 

I am feeling better.  I will go now to the cemetery and say my daily "hello" to Ray.  The cemetery is less than 2 miles away, so it will be a nice walk in the spring, summer and fall.  Later tonight, before I go to bed I will watch the DVD...and probably have another great cry...it will help me sleep (that and the valium).  - Jimmy

It is 4:30 a.m.  I sit awake.  Never really got any sleep last night.  Probably my worst night of sleep in the last two weeks!  My mind obsesses over everything!  I obsess over Ray.  I obsess over the moments after I found him unresponsive and the events that followed in the minutes and hours after.  I obsess over the fact that I will never see him again...that I never said a final "good-bye."  It's like a wet, heavy blanket covers my body and I just can't seem to do anything normal. 

 

I've got some other issues I'm dealing with right now which I will write about later.  It is something that is making me very, very upset.  Once I've settled them I may share them.  (Let me just say this has nothing to do with personal/family matters.  It has to do with "the system.")

 

I want to be normal again.  I don't think that will ever happen.  My journey continues.  Who knows what today will bring...probably a real good nap!  - Jimmy   

I walk through my day numb...like a dead man walking.  I am trying to be "normal."  I ran some erronds today...paying some bills.  I went to TJ Maxx and bought a new rug for our parlor and for our innkeepers quarters.  It's not the same.  There is no "excitement" in buying something new for "us."  It used to be fun.

 

Tony and Kelly took me to dinner tonight with Mary at Wick's Park Bar and Grill.  I had the burger.  It was quite good.

 

I go through my day thinking of Ray every minute.  My stomach hurts...aches.  I've had such great support from friends and family.  I just need to get through each stage of grief.  - Jimmy

It is Wednesday morning and the sun is trying to peek out.  I wish I felt the same inside.  I continue to feel stressed that life can go on around me as if nothing happened.  It somewhat angers me when I see people around me, on television, etc. that are happy and going on with their lives.  Selfish I guess.  I just want them to take a moment and mourn for Ray. 

 

I don't know what my plans are today...I'm still in bed.  - Jimmy

I came home tonight at 10:00 p.m. from dinner at Richard and Larry's.  A wonderful dinner and conversations.  I did go there with trepidation.  I am now going "alone" to social events.  I don't have my partner with me to share the experience.  I feel "wierd."  Somewhat "out of place." 

 

I come home tonight alone.  I walk up the front walkway alone...no one by my side, let alone in front of...or behind me.  No one to talk about our evening out together.  It sucks.  It really, really sucks.  I am alone after almost 21 years!  I know I have friends there for me, but it's not the same as the personal, intimate relationship I had with my partner...life partner...for so many years.  I guess I will eventually adjust to it and life will go on.  But for now it just "sucks!" 

 

I am very lucky that I did have someone to share such a special relationship with for 20 plus years.  We traveled to many places together and shared lots of experiences.  More than most people will ever do.  I am grateful for that.  But I miss him...I really miss him.  - Jimmy

My friends Tony and Jeff paid for "All in One Cleaning" to come and clean house today.  They made the first floor sparkle!  It looks and smells so good!

 

I gave some of the old parlor and third floor innkeepers furniture away to families in need.  They came and took the stuff today. 

 

With the cleaners here today, the people taking the furniture, phone calls and visitors stopping by - my mind has been kept busy.  It's when I'm alone doing "nothing" that I start to get the emotions running again.  Yesterday I received a book I ordered which was recommended by my grief counselor.  It is titled "A Grief Disguised - how the soul grows through loss."  She claimed it to be one of the best.  I may start it tonight or tomorrow.

 

I was invited to friends for dinner tonight.  I warned them that I am not quite a "social butterfly" right now - but will try to do my best.  I hope I can make it to dinner.  It was at their house which Ray and I had our last dinner invitation just before his surgery. 

 

The cats upstairs are so confused.  Not only have they been sleeping alone (the three of them) the last two and a half weeks...the furniture is gone.  Soon they will have a normal life again. 

 

I will go to the cemetery in a few minutes.  Then clean up for dinner.  Wish me luck!  - Jimmy

Today my jouney has taken me to "guilt."  I have been told over and over by friends, Ray's surgeon, primary care physician, nurses, West Michigan Heart...on and on...that there would have been nothing I could have done.  Even if I was "on watch" 24/7.  However, there is this festering feeling I have that if I had found Ray sooner, or was sitting there with him when his heart failed, that maybe...just maybe I would have been able to do something.  Miracles are supposed to happen...right? 

 

Maybe I feel the guilt because I never got the chance to sit there with him as he died and said my "good bye."  Even if I couldn't have done anything, I wish so badly I could have held his hand.  Maybe he didn't want it that way.  Maybe God didn't want it that way.  I have several erronds to run so I will get up and going.  I have a week before my next grief counseling session.  I will have a LOT to talk about!  - Jimmy

 

It is now 4:00 p.m.  I sit here in room three alone...except for Moscow who is curled up to me as close as she can get.  The house is quiet...other than all the ticking clocks.  My stomach hurts...aches from missing Ray.

 

I have not cried yet today.  Only tears.  That kind of makes me nervous.  I'm afraid that if they are bottled up too long they may come out in an extreme emotional outburst.  At least no one is here with me tonight to hear it should that happen!

 

Carolyn took me into Holland today.  I met with our attorney.  He needs to file Ray's death certificate with the County.  I was given four copies of our Trust (Trust Agreement, Powers of Attorney, Wills, etc.) six years ago.  I remember Ray and I signing them with the attorney and a witness.  I brought one set with me today.  The attorney told me he needed the original Will.  When I gave him the "copy" I had he told me he needed the original with Ray's signature.  I did not realize I had four copies of our Trust with each document (except for our Wills) containing our original signatures.  He told me there can only be ONE original signed Will.  The original Will is in our safe deposit box.  I then realized that as I utilized the POA and the Patient Advocate documents they had our original signatures, but the Will I had at the house was only a copy.  It makes sense...a person can have only ONE original Will.  Anyway, I will get that from the Bank tomorrow.

 

After a trip to Holland Hospital (where I brought Ray's nurses cookies I had made) Carolyn then took me on what she called "retail therapy."  We went to Pier 1, Art Van, Big Lots and Burger King.  I bought a new sofa sectional for our Innkeeper's apartment.  It was in the clearance section for $497!!  Even Ray would be proud.  We wanted to get rid of that "Miami Vice" furniture which was bought in 1992.  (By the way, I battled some tears getting off the elevator at the Hospital and passing by "Ray's" room...but it gave me some sense of closure going there.)

 

By about 1:30 that unsettling feeling began to sink in.  I started to get quiet and reserved.  I do "ok" in the mornings and early afternoons...then the depression and emotions start to sink in.  I get home and want to do NOTHING!  I guess that is my time of day to grieve.  I will leave in about 20 minutes to visit Ray.  The flowers at his grave are starting to look "haggard" - but I will leave them for as long as I can.  Still no cries yet, but I'll let you know if they come.  -Jimmy 

 

UPDATE:  I just got off the phone with the nurse from West Michigan Heart.  She indicated to me that the doctor read the "e-grams" - the EKG in the defibrillator (defib).  She said it did not tell a lot.  She said there were no signs that the heart had an off-beat rhythm, however there were three shocks at 9:12 p.m.  Since the defib would only go off if there was an off-beat rhythm she was not sure why it did activate the three shocks.  I told her that 9:12 would have been about the exact time I was giving him CPR.  After processing that comment she said it made sense.  The CPR I was giving Ray caused the heart (which had already stopped) to send a signal to the defib that it was having an off-beat rhythm - thus activating the defib to give the shocks.  So, without any real "final" answers I do know that he did not die from an off-beat rhythm.  She said he could have died of a massive heart attack (such as his parents did), sudden death syndrome, cardiac arrest, massive clot, respiratory arrest, or even a brain aneurysm.  She told me the defib does not monitor the heartbeat continuously, therefore an exact time as to when the heart stopped cannot be determined.  So I have some answers, but am still left with lot of unanswered questions.  Whatever the cause of his heart stopping, it appears to have been so sudden and quick that the defib didn't notice any bad rhythm and Ray would not have responded to any type of resuscitation.  The nurse told me if the heart muscle is dead it won't respond to anything...CPR or a defib.  I am very sad.  I so wish I could have saved him.  I am now off to the cemetery.

Day fourteen...I awake with no dreams of Ray last night.  It is cold outside, cloudy...a typical winter day in west Michigan.  I go to the attorney today and relive the last two weeks yet again.  Somehow I think that would happen even if I didn't have to go to the attorney.  I relive it in my mind over and over...day after day...hour after hour.

 

I hope my emotions stabilize.  I'm sure they will...over time.  I miss Ray.  - Jimmy

It is almost 1:00 in the morning.  I am going to sleep.  I hope, truly hope that I will dream of Ray tonight.  Wish me luck...Jimmy

My friend Carolyn is trying so hard to keep me occupied and out of the house.  We took a car ride to Bangor (very small town south of here).  The antique store she wanted to visit was closed.  We ate at Taco Bell.  We took Blue Star Highway north back into Saugatuck.  I could think of nothing but Ray.  I feel like my mind is going insane.  I am obsessing about him and our memories together every single moment.  I feel like I am going nuts.  We came back home and I had a very intense cry.  Then we went to the cemetery to say "good night" to Ray. 

 

I just can't imagine going on day after day, after day, after day feeling like this.  I suppose it will get better, but right now I just feel like I will go insane.  I want to tell things to Ray, share my thoughts, eat dinner together.  A dinner together hasn't happened since Wednesday night, December 9.  He made my favorite...fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn.  That was the last "meal" we shared together as a couple. 

 

Everything I see in this house is a memory of him, and the smallest thing can trigger an emotional breakdown.  My roller-coaster ride is going at a fast downward speed right now.  I'll recover...probably sleep well tonight...and start Monday morning anew.  Carolyn is making dinner tonight.  I can't go out.  I don't feel like seeing people today.  Hopefully I will see Ray again in my dreams tonight.  Sweet dreams! - Jimmy

I just awoke (about 8:15 a.m.) from a wonderful, sweet dream with Ray in it!  I am actually crying tears of joy...it was so real, so wonderful.  As I type this, I realize today is the two week anniversary of his death.  (The dream was this morning...not last night.)

 

In my dream I, and some of Ray's family, were waiting for him.  We were at some type of outdoor cafe.  Ray and his brother Scott came walking up behind us.  Ray was wearing a red striped dress shirt (tucked in) but was unbuttoned almost to the bottom.  (He always did unbutton his shirt too low, a leftover fashion statement from the 1970's.  I always had to tell him to button one or two more buttons.)  I pulled him aside a little and said he needed to button it up...partly because I was also afraid his scar from the colon surgery would show.  He said..."I know, I just hadn't gotten to that yet."  Then I just hugged him and started crying.  He was trying to tell me something the nurse told him about his thumb (which he had broke in 1995).  I wouldn't let him talk.  I realized at that moment in my dream that it was actually a dream and just hugged him and cried.  I told him how I knew he was really dead and I just wanted to hold and hug him.  I did hug him...and hug him.  It felt so wonderful!  It felt so real and so nice.  I really could feel him physically.  I woke feeling as if I had spent some time with him.  Thank you God!

 

I begin the two week anniversary of his death feeling happy!  I'm sure there will be more feelings today.  The roller-coaster of emotions runs daily.  - Jimmy

Today my question is "why."  Why does God take one spouse/partner and leave the other.  Why not take both at the same time?  God is in control...right?  Why can't he do that.  It seems like it would solve a lot of problems.  Maybe not, but it is how I was feeling tonight. 

 

Carolyn got in "ok" tonight.  We unloaded some furniture she brought for us (me).  Then we went to Holland to drop off the U-Haul trailer.  Carolyn treated me to dinner at Clearbrook tonight.  I had ribs...delicious. 

 

It is 11:30 p.m. and I am getting very tired.  Going to bed.  Maybe I'll have some dream of Ray...I can only hope.  - Jimmy

 

I awoke today at 6:57 a.m.  A normal time for me.  So far that is the only normalcy in my life right now.  I still haven't slept in "my" own bed since January 2, 2010.  I avoid washing Ray's clothes which are in the laundry hamper.  The last walk I took was with Susie when she visited Ray in December before his surgery.  As of right now...I feel numb.  I am not sad.  I am not happy.  I am not feeling the emotions I did yesterday.  I am pretty much emotionless.  But who knows what the next hour will bring?

 

I visited the cemetery yesterday.  I have a feeling this will start to become a daily routine...at least for a while.  It gives me something to do...a place to go.

 

Tony and Kelly came by last night and we ate the lasagna which was dropped off by Larry Hanlin.  My "angels" keep me occupied, but also give me the space I need to grieve on my own. 

 

In spite of my fear of going to a "group therapy session" I decided I would check into it.  I left a message at Holland Hospice asking for details.  I may just go check it out.  I found a website yesterday which had postings made by those who lost their spouses/partners.  It was unbelievable how their feelings mirrored mine.  It's one thing to read the "text book" process of grieving, it's another to hear real people share their emotions. 

 

I contacted West Michigan Heart yesterday.  I had asked them to do a reading of Ray's defibrillator implant.  The reading was done right at the funeral home.  I wanted to know if it activated or not and what may have been going on with his heart just prior to his death.  The nurse I spoke with said she would prefer the doctor to go over the details with me.  (This is not a doctor of Ray's.  This is a doctor that is trained to read the data given by the defibrillator.)  She did tell me the device showed there was a fast arithmia (fast rhythm).  But, she said the data will not show the exact cause of death.  It could have been heart attack, a massive clot (pulmonary embolism), respiratory arrest (suddenly stopped breathing), or even a brain aneurysm.  I told her the two things I wanted to know was:  1) did the defibrillator go off; 2) will it tell me when his heart stopped (indicating a pretty accurate time of death).  She said the data would be able to tell me both.  I will find out those details on Monday afternoon when the doctor calls me.

 

Today my friend Carolyn comes to visit with me.  She will take care of me.  I hope she has a safe trip from Wisconsin.  She was just here last week with her husband for Ray's funeral.  Now she's put a trailer hitch on her car, rented a trailer and is bringing me some furniture for our parlor.  I sometimes wonder how good of a friend I could ever be.  My friends (or "angels" as I call them) have blown me away with their kindness, giving, love, support, and care.

 

Today's temperatures are going to be above normal.  I just want to start to feel normal again.  I've got a long way to go.  At least I'm awake at my normal time.  "Hour by Hour." - Jimmy

I am feeling a bit better tonight..."hour by hour."  Calls and visits from friends help.  I also made a visit to Ray at the cemetery.

 

Craig (from Dykstra's Funeral Home) stopped by tonight to drop off the corrected death certificates.  He included copies of all the "memories" posted on the Life Story website.  He said is was a "record."  The most they have ever had.  Ray would be sooooo proud!!  He was a very competitive person. 

 

Kelly and Tony are coming by for dinner tonight...to spend some time with me.  This hour...I am feeling better.  - Jimmy

My emotions are running wild right now!  I am having feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, despair and everything inbetween all mixed together at the same time.  A tornado of feelings...very bad feelings whirling all around me out of control.  It makes me feel as I've never felt before.  My initial feelings are as if I just don't want to go on.  I feel guilt that I didn't take more aggressive action Sunday when I talked with the "on call" doctor/surgeon about Ray's hiccups.  I feel anger that God took Ray away from me so quickly and so young.  I feel sad as I look at all the things around the house that remind me of Ray.  I am heartbroken and sick.  I write this blog because I hope it may help me get my feelings out and feel a sense that someone is out there understanding me.  My cries are exhausting me.  My energy level is dwindling.  I miss his smile.  I miss him.  I'm a wreck!

I awoke today at close to a normal time...7:07 a.m.  For years I have been waking right at 7:00, just in time to catch my TODAY Show.  I almost turned my head back on the pillow to fall back asleep but decided to wake up and put "my" show on. 

 

I went to bed at 8:30 p.m., but woke just about every half hour...so it wasn't the best sleep.  At one point I thought I felt Ray next to me.  I even turned to check...then reality set in, but I still tried to imagine hiim next to me.  It felt good.

 

I avoided watching the video of Ray's life story yesterday as well as looking at any pictures.  I just cried too much when viewing them.  I don't know that it helped any, yesterday was one of my worst days yet.  I have already watched the video today...and cried.  I figured I would get a good cry out to start the day.  I just keep asking myself "how can I go on without him?"  How can I go on and experience things without him here to share them with me?  One thing most people can't understand is how our lives were so intertwined in the last 13 (of our 20) years.  Owning a bed and breakfast together meant being together 24/7.  We didn't go to seperate jobs (other than the substituting I just started last spring).  We worked together, ate together, slept together...everything.  I don't have a "job" to go to during the day which can take my mind off things.  I am at my job and my co-worker is not here.  It's painful.

 

The funeral home called yesterday.  They received the corrected death certificates.  They will drop those off today. 

 

I went to the cemetery at about 4:15.  I never realized how connected you could feel going to someone's graveside.  I know it's only his earthly body, but I feel closer to him there.  I look around the graveyard and take it all in knowing this is where my remains will be one day.  I want to be cremated and the cemetery allows up to four cremains to be buried on top.  So I'm all set.

 

For those wondering about the grave marker...the funeral director told me they can't put anything down until the ground starts to thaw.  So, he said he didn't want me to have to make too many decisions in one day.  I will get with him in February to do that.  Since I purchased one plot we can only have one marker.  So, since my cremains will be there I will have to get a marker which can accommodate both our names. 

 

Today is a new day.  I have no idea how my emotions will come into play.  I will take it "hour by hour" as my grief counselor suggested.  I will cry.  I will hurt.  I will do laundry, clean house, answer the phone, cry, and hurt.  I MIGHT even go for a walk today.  But I WILL let my emotions flow.  I won't hold it in.  I want to grieve.  I will grieve...this is my journey.  - Jimmy

Our good friend/guest Tim Pulice wrote a wonderful tribute to Ray on his blog.  The link is below.  He and his wife Mary have stayed with us many years...even conceiving their child here...I've often said we should sell that room as a "fertility room."  Anyway...check his blog here:

 

It's too early to know what kind of a day it will be.  I know the sun will rise.  (Just as I always tell guests when they ask "will there be a sunset tonight?" - I tell them..."oh, the sun WILL set, you may not see it, but it will set.")  Anyway, I don't know if I'll be able to see it or not, but today will begin with a new sunrise.  How or what I will feel today is the unknown.  I'm sure it will be filled with memories, tears, pain, sorrow and fear.  Fear of the unknown.  I want to feel "better" but in some ways I don't.  My fear is that if I start to "cope" or feel better that I am not respecting my Ray.  Almost like I am "getting over it."  I don't want to get over it.  I want to cherish and remember everything.  Maybe I still can, but it will be with joy and not sadness.  As I type this blog I think it helps me sort things out.  Almost an "online therapeutic journal" that I am sharing with anyone.

 

I didn't sleep too well last night.  Waking up about every half hour.  Actually my most difficult night of sleep since January 3.  (I had been sleeping well because of the valium my doctor prescribed.)  I have had no dreams of Ray yet...but am excited to have one.  I know I will.  I've had dreams of both my father and brother David after they passed away.  It may be years, but I can't wait to be reunited with Ray in my dreams, and then one day in heaven when I'm gone.  I'm expecting Ray to make my favorite dinner when I get to heaven...fried chicken, mashed potatoes and corn!  (Ray knew I only ate vegetables with four letters.)

 

I continue to sleep in room three.  There is a sense of comfort in this room.  I know my three cats on the third floor just don't know what is going on.  They are used to cuddling up to Ray and I EVERY morning.  Neither of us are there.  I visit with them daily but that's not the same.  Those who have cats know what I mean.

 

I have received numerous emails of support.  I haven't been able to respond to all of them yet.  The one's I read today gave me tears...tears of comfort.  The thoughts and words that are shared bring me joy.

 

My friend Carolyn (from Wisconsin) is coming to visit me this weekend.  Her and her husband Phil used to own the Kemah B&B in Saugatuck.  We bought our businesses about three months apart so we were the "new kids in town."  We bonded quickly.  Carolyn took me on many a shopping adventure, much to Ray's chagrin.  As any professional shopper can relate, I learned to sneak things I purchased in the house when Ray was either at the gym or busy doing a crossword.  Or at least he let me think I snuk them in.  A comment here and there later on would always let me know he noticed something new. 

 

It's amazing how Ray and I had not planned a vacation this January.  It was always January when we would travel...as it was the least busy month at the Inn.  Florida, Hawaii, Europe, Colorado, Tennessee, and three cruises all happened in January.  We had decided to take a break this year due to the economy.  God knew the plan.  It would have been even more painful for me if we had been planning our usual trip. 

 

I'm beginning to see daylight now.  It appears to be overcast...probably how my heart will feel today.  The sunshine is in my heart somewhere but it is overcast right now.  -Jimmy

Today feels as if the sun has set on my heart.  It was the second hardest day for me in the last 10 days.  As the Christmas decorations are finally coming down I am reminded of the years past when we felt good that the last year was over and we were starting anew.  I felt as if Ray should be here with me celebrating the new year.  The sun was shining and the house was beginning to look "normal" again. 

 

I went for grief counseling today.  It was good.  I learned to take things "hour by hour" versus "day by day."  She recommended I join a group of people aged 20 to 50 who have lost their spouses/partners.  But was "warned" that most (if not ALL) were heterosexual.  I'm sure I would not fit in.  Plus, I'm not ready to share my sorrows with a group of people I don't know....after all, my pain must be worse than theirs!

 

Candy came by today to check on me and to make sure all the flowers were taken care of.  She even offered to take down the Wizard of Oz tree.  Philip went to the cemetery with me and Tony stopped by to check up on me and Kelly left a message...which I didn't get until later.  My "angels" as I call them. 

 

I did get the last "big" tree at Big Lots today...75% off!  Ray would be proud, but he also would not by happy that I spent money today.

 

The sun set on Lake Michigan tonight.  It was beautiful.  The sun also set on my heart today...it was painful.  But, with every sun set, there is a sun rise.  I look forward to my sun rise.  - Jimmy

As I awake this morning I am brought to the realization of yet another loss.  The loss of sharing my dreams first thing in the morning with Ray.  Last night was the first night I had dreams since Ray's death (or at least the first I can remember).  But I lay alone holding the dream inside me.

 

I continue to have day-dreams; dreaming of Ray watching his sports shows, finishing a crossword puzzle...showing it to me and saying "read it and weep", and, of course, him making my dinners every night.  Last Christmas, however, he bought me the "Martha Stewart Cooking School Cookbook" - even though I insisted I wasn't interested in it.  I wanted her Baking Cookbook...he bought me both.  I started cooking from it and my cooking skills did begin to improve.  He was quite impressed.  I felt honored to have Ray enjoy my cooking.  Who wouldn't?  Being alone now I have no desire to cook.  Actually I have no desire to do much.  I just want to mourn.  I've had two cries so far this morning.  But I don't have time to sit here too long.  I am going for grief counseling in Holland this morning.  I then just might go to Big Lots to see if they still have any Christmas trees on clearance (I guess you can't take the "shopping" out of the "shopper").  I would like to replace the one I am getting rid of.  Even though I don't think I will decorate next year...it will be too hard with too many memories in every decoration. 

 

I did make a stop at the cemetery while my friends and I were taking down the decorations last night.  I stepped out of the house for about 20 minutes.  I wanted to talk to Ray and tell him how wonderful everyone was...how they were helping me get the house together.  I know I can "talk to him" anywhere, but it's nice to have a "final resting place" that I can visit to think of him. 

 

Well, I should probably get myself out of bed and get moving.  I actually have a time schedule today.  I will dream of my Ray today...sweet dreams.  -Jimmy

 

I continue to write because I think it will help me...and people have asked me to keep them updated.  Today was a "good" day.  I called our life insurance guy, medical insurance guy, and lawyer.  I guess Ray's Will has to be filed with the State and there are other legal matters which need to be settled.

 

Candy, Phil, Kelly and Doug came by this evening to help start taking down Christmas decorations.  What an ordeal!!  I will donate (or toss) the artificial tree.  Tomorrow we plan to finish.  I go for grief counseling at 10:30 a.m.

 

Tonight is the first night I sleep in the house alone.  Other than the cats.  I am VERY tired and am going to bed.  Good night to all.  Love ya, mean it.  Jimmy

Sitting here in silence except for the grandfather clock ticking away.  It creates an odd awareness of how time goes by.  Not quick enough for me right now.  After Ray's sister and niece (Marguerite and Emily) left yesterday afternoon I broke down...the worst so far.  It was a release my physical and mental body needed...or so I believe.  I called my mom, who lost her husband (my dad) 15 years ago.  Through my crys I tried to ask her if the pain ever really goes away or do you just learn to "mask it."  I guess the pain never really goes away, but it does begin to lessen.  But, I've got a very long, long way to go right now. 

 

I went to the funeral home yesterday to pick up the death certificates.  I looked at them when I got home and saw that the certified signature was dated January 7, 2009.  I called Craig from Dykstra's Funeral Home and asked him if that is a problem...of course it is.  The funeral home called me back today and said that when they contacted Allegan County the clerk there was a bit in shock.  She said EVERY death certificate they have issued this year was dated 2009 and no one noticed it.  I will be receiving new ones in a few days.

 

I did make a visit to the cemetery after leaving the funeral home.  It was so beautiful.  The sun was setting and Ray's grave faces west.  A beautiful view.

 

Doug, Kelly, Philip and I went to dinner last night.  We went to Phil's.  It was very hard for me because the last time I was there was on the night of Ray's surgery.  I went with his brother and wife.  At that time everything was looking so good - we were almost celebrating.  When we got back home last night I had a breakdown yet again.  Philip stayed the night and slept on the couch.  I just can't thank God enough for the friends I have here.  They are angels...truly angels.  I have seen the fruit of the Spirit here in Saugatuck-Douglas more than I have seen in many churches.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23 NIV). 

 

As I begin to catch up on the news and watching some television I have these odd thoughts.  I feel as if everything should stop!  How can these people go on and live their lives as if nothing has happened.  It's hard to explain.  My emotions run wild.

 

My advice to anyone who reads this is as follows:  1) Have health/medical insurance; 2) Have all your legal documents, bank accounts, etc. in order; 3) Have life insurance.  No one likes to talk about their death but it is inevitable.  If you truly love someone you will do this for them.  I thank God we took care of all these matters.   

 

Today I will grieve.  Today I will begin to take Christmas decorations down with the help of my dear friends.  I am so thankful that Ray lived through the new year.  Although my future Christmas celebrations will be with thoughts of Ray's death, I am happy that he was alive through the Christmas season.  He was so happy on Christmas day. 

 

As I close, I begin to realize all the things I am so thankful for during such a tragic time.  God has really blessed me.

The house is silent right now.  My only housemates now being Ray's sister Marguerite and her daughter Emily.  They will leave today and the emptiness of the house will fill me with emptiness.  My friends will be here this week to support me but it's hard to imagine waking every morning for the rest of my life without Ray.  It still seems impossible that he is gone forever.  There is this "hope" deep down that he will be coming back, but the hope is not real - and I know it's not real even though I feel it.  It's impossible to try to explain.

 

Last night at sunset Marguerite and I went to the cemetery.  I have a feeling I will be making frequent visits.  Although it's only his earthly body, it feels somewhat comforting to know "he" is so close.  Marguerite and I were questioning why God doesn't give us the exact "answer" of what happens (and what it's like) after death.  She said that maybe it is so wonderful, that if we knew how great it was we would all want to go - and want leave this earth too quickly.  I am ready.  But I must believe that God has plans for me yet on this earth.  He will take me when it is time. 

 

I had a pretty big breakdown last night.  I cried deeply.  Very deeply.  Marguerite held me.  I don't know what I will do when she finally leaves.  I will probably cry harder than ever.  But I think I need that release...I need to grieve.  I will be going to a grief counselor Wednesday morning at Holland Hospice.  Ray's doctor suggested it and had them contact me.  Other than a couple issues with the medical examiner and the police that were here last Sunday night, everyone has treated me as Ray's equal partner.  The hospital, the doctors, the funeral home, the cemetery groundskeeper, the local merchants and business people, as well as Ray's and my family.  This is very important to me (and would be to Ray).  As a gay person, I must say "we" have come a very long way from the way "we" were treated 20 plus years ago.  I am fortunate for that. 

 

I think I will close for now.  Moscow lies here next to me...very happy, but you can tell she is missing her "Ray."  Although our cats all love me, they had a very special bond with Ray, as everyone else does.  In fact, I worry that no one will want to visit me at Kirby House now...the "fun one" is gone. 

It was a week ago today I lost my best friend Raymond P. Riker, III.  I'm sure over the next year I will go through the pains of dealing with the "first spring day, the first flowers blooming, the first fall day, the first winter day."  All the "firsts" without Ray.  Today I am dealing with my first full week without him (at around 9:15 p.m. tonight).  I tried so hard to be a good home nurse for him.  There were days I thought "I could do this...I could be a nurse."  I saw the comfort and care given to him in the hospital and with our home nurse.  However, Ray was a great patient.  I realized not all patients would be as good as him, so the idea of being a nurse is now far removed from my thoughts.

 

I am lying on the bed in room three.  The sun is peeking through the wintery, purple sky...I can see the beauty through Ray's eyes.  That is the thing he taught me...to stop and look at God's nature.  I was always so focused on today's tasks that I didn't stop to enjoy the beauty of God's creation.  I got better at it, but I think I will become masterful at it now. 

 

I have not watched any television in one week.  I have no idea of any world events, weather, or anything.  For the first time today I have watched some TV.  I see earthquakes in California, snow in Florida, and the coldest weather in Europe in 30 years.  I told Ray's brother and sister-in-law that I hoped God did not put Ray in charge of the weather. 

 

As Ray's family starts to leave I am beginning to feel parts of him are leaving me as well.  It will be a hard day tomorrow when they are all gone. 

I sit here thinking of the day's events...and the week's events.  Tears flow.  My heart breaks...it almost seems possible that you could die from a broken heart. 

 

Yesterday, as we arrived at the cemetery I was informed that "we had a problem."  They had dug the wrong grave.  Fortunately I had decided to have the commital at the funeral home and just have family attend the cemetery burial.  Or else about 100 plus people would have been standing in the snow at the wrong grave.  I told the funeral director that I did not really care if Ray had the other plot that had been dug, but the person who bought that one may want it one day.  I feel so bad for the funeral director as it was not his fault...but as Ray would always tell me "...don't worry, there's nothing you can do about it."  Today we buried him at 9:30 a.m.  True to Ray's nature, even his burial was not on time.

 

The funeral was AMAZING!!!!!  It was exactly what Ray would have wanted.  A video presentation at the beginning, a service fit for a King, communion (remembering the last supper feast representing Ray's wonderful feasts), and lots of flowers.  Absolutely AMAZING! 

 

Those attending the funeral were invited back to the house for refreshments.  It was so nice to have so many people back at the house.  DeMond's SuperValue provided parking and the Dune's Resort provided rooms for family as well as funeral rate's for those attending Ray's funeral.  A private dinner was held for family at Clearbrook Restaurants and I am so thankful for their generosity. 

 

Ray was a very competitive person and we think he would be so happy with how many visitors he has had to his "Life Story" on the internet.  It is up to about 2,300!  And about 100 comments/memories.  It appears to be the most.  He would be gloating now.

 

I have finally moved from sleeping on the couch, to sleeping in a real bed in room three.  I am having a very difficult time taking the plunge to sleep in "our" bed. 

 

My cries come and go.  I have a breakdown and then it stops suddenly.  I'm good for a few hours and then breakdown again...with a sudden stop.  I truly dread this next week!

My heart breaks at making this blog entry.  The day has come for me to say my final good-by to my best friend, partner, and love of my life...Raymond P. Riker, III.  When people ask me how I feel right now, my response is "numb."  I am planning to get to the funeral home before anyone else so that I can have a private moment to say goodbye to my Ray.  Ray's brother Scott, sister-in-law Mary Ellen and my mom will travel to the funeral home together. 

 

The outpouring of generosity from this Saugatuck-Douglas community is beyond amazing.  Ray's family has taken me under their wings...I hope they keep me in their lives forever.  My friends Dawn Bloomfield, Candy Jeltema, Tony Estevez, Kelly Kramer, Victor DiMercurio and others too numerous to mention have kept me going.  My mother, who is next to me right now, has helped me get through the last two months with daily phone calls and a 10 day visit to help me get through the holidays and new years. 

 

I have to go now....a hot shower and a suit will help get me presentable for this emotional day.

Yesterday I made funeral arrangements.  Life sure throws you some "whollops!"  I planned to spend Monday doing laundry and getting rooms cleaned.  I was supposed to sub for fourth grade today.  Instead I picked out a casket, and planned a funeral...for my best friend.  I could NEVER - NEVER had done it without the support of my close and dear friends.  Even my two guests (David Laski and Kyle Moorehead) cleaned ALL the guest rooms and did laundry so the rooms would be clean for our family coming in for the funeral.  Candy Jeltema, Philip Raywood and Kelly Kramer went with me to the funeral home to help me stay calm and make decisions.  Without them I wouldn't have known what direction to go in.  They stayed with me all day!  In addition my friends Tony Marsalese, Jeff Davison, Dawn Bloomfield, Tony Estevez, and Jim Jeltema were there at the house keeping me from having a breakdown.  (And to make sure I had something in my stomach...although I really am not hungry!)  I need their support right now!  If they weren't here I really don't know what yesterday would have been like, much less today, tomorrow or the future. 

 

Starting to get real personal now...the thing that scares me the most is the coming of next week.  Once everything is over, the constant planning, the telephone calls, the friends, the food, the flowers....I will be here in this huge house...ALL ALONE!  Forever...I don't know if I can handle it.  I just wish I could give Ray a call and say "...please come home!"  But I can't, he's gone from my life forever.  People say "...he's still in your heart."  And I do know that, but it doesn't change the fact that we will no longer have our swing on the front porch together, BBQ's on the back deck, the morning chats in bed when we first wake up, hearing his TV shows on ESPN at 5:00 for P.T.I. and Around the Horn.  That constant horn on "Around the Horn" drove me nuts.  Now I will have to put that show on to remind me of Ray. 

 

Today I will go and pick out a plot at the cemetery.  Philip and Kelly are taking me.  Ray wanted to be buried in the Douglas Cemetery, as he said "...that is where we live, Douglas is our home...and Sarah Kirby's husband, father and mother are buried there."

 

Please take a moment and read Ray's "Life Story" at the following link http://www.lifestorynet.com/memories/54816/ You can sign the guestbook there or post your own message.

 

I have to pay some bills right now, I hope the payments from New Year's went into our account!  (I love you Ray...and I miss you so much!)

Well, it has only been 24 hours since the official word of Ray's death.  I cannot express how I feel right now.  Sick, numb, tired, in disbelief, and denial! 

 

The funeral arrangements are as follows:

 

DYKSTRA FUNERAL HOME - Mulder Chapel

188 W. 32nd St.

Holland, MI  49423

616.392.2348

 

Visitation is Thursday, January . 2009 from 4:00-7:00 p.m.

Funeral is Friday, January 8, at 1:00 p.m. 

I am posting this for those of you who are following this blog.  Around 9:00 p.m. last night Ray passed away.  I don't have the "official" signed death certificate with cause, but all indicators so far point to cardiac arrest.  I will update when I am more capable.

Well, my mom left today with my sister and her family.  I tried to encourage them to stay with us tonight...but they needed to get back.

 

Our friend Doug came by today to visit Ray. 

 

We have moved Ray back down to the first floor room.  He needs to get up and moving around more. 

 

All of our guests left today as well.  It was such a great New Year's week. 

 

I'm tired and going upstairs.  For those of you who know...I'm going to watch "Judge Judy" on my TiVo!  HAPY NEW YEAR!

Ray has still had his "ups and downs" today.  Did well at eating dinner tonight.  Tomorrow is another day...of recovery!

 

My sister and brother-in-law and family came in today.  He (Brian) made an awesome dinner for all of us!  It was sooo nice to have the dinner table set, dinner made and dishes done for me for the first time in weeks.  I do plan to get a good night's sleep tonight....hopefully so.

 

My mom leaves tomorrow and goes home w/my sister's family.  I will really miss her being here with me.  She has been a rock for me the last 10 days.  I really don't know if I could have pulled through without her being here for me.

 

 

It's a new year!  Yeah! 

 

Ray got some beautiful flowers from his friends Patti and Don.  Ray worked with Patti at the Money Tree in downtown Detroit. 

 

Ray's nurse came today and checked his vitals.  Blood pressure VERY low, so she told him to quit taking his one medication for high blood pressure.  She will be back on Monday.

 

Our dinner tonight went off without a "hitch."  AWESOME people here in Saugatuck.  I had SEVEN people help me with the dinner, and I did not ask any one of them for help.  They all offered to help!  Nita, Phillip, Mike, Todd, Teresa, Karla, and my mom Audrey.  I cannot even express my gratitute for their help with me tonight on our dinner!  Everyone jumped right in to help!  (Mike was so glad he didn't have to keep track of dinner orders.)  Karla clearly understood my "foggy" mind. 

 

My mother helped me today with cleaning rooms, vacuuming once again, setting the tables, and washing and washing and washing and washing dishes. 

 

Ray came down to meet the guests a couple times today.  I hope it helped him feel better. 

 

Well, it's 1:40 a.m., January 1st.  I will go chat with the few guests left up chatting and hopefully head to bed by 2:00 a.m. - Good Night and Happy New Year.