Jim's Web-Log

This may end up being the first day I have not cried. What's up with that? I have been kept busy though. Having guests on the weekends keeps me busy and keeps my mind occupied.

Tonight my friends Tony and Kelly invited me to go with them to the Belvedere for a Spanish wine tasting dinner. I was hesitant to join them (the fear of coming home alone) but I went. I am so glad I did. It was a most enjoyable evening. The dinner was awesome, the wine was delicious (Ray could have used a better term to describe the wine) and Shaun and Peter were great hosts. To my surprise, Tony and Kelly treated me! How nice was that?!

I got home and spent some time chatting with our guest Julie. Now I'm upstairs and getting ready for bed. I think I'll watch an episode or two of Judge Judy before I go to bed. I feel "good" still. I'm sure this week will be tough though. Tuesday is Ray's birthday. - Jimmy

It's getting late in the winter now, spring is less than a month away. But, there appears to be no sign of it yet. My cat Amity insisted on waking me up again this morning before 7:00 a.m. Licking my nose constantly. So, I gave in, got up and laid on the couch to watch Good Morning America. She seems content then that I am up. I'm not sure why.

So far I'm doing pretty good this morning. It still is early in the day though. I've got two rooms this weekend, and the breakfast menu is all planned! I don't really have any big plans today. I have to pick up a prescription, send some mail and do some light house cleaning.

I still have this unsettled "anxious" feeling going on, but other than that I am doing good so far today. - Jimmy

It's Thursday night. I've had an "up and down" day. I awoke with Amity licking and biting my nose. She used to do that with Ray. I watched Good Morning America. It was a slow going morning.

I went to the basement to do laundry and I came across Ray's clothes. I broke down. I cried and cried. WHY? WHY? WHY? That is what I asked God. I needed to talk to somebody, all of a sudden Susie called me (Ray's sister). Perfect timing.

I ran some erronds, went for a walk, went to the cemetery....tried to live normal. I kind of took the day "easy." I ready my book. Ate a salad for dinner. I am trying to be strong. But, I miss my Ray. I look at pictures of him and he seems so alive....even now. It doesn't seem real. I'm going to "veg" out now on the couch and get myself ready for bed. - Jimmy

The last couple of days I have felt pretty "good." Today was not one of those days. It was a "hard" day for me. My sadness and depression really kicked in. I cried so hard feeling guilty that I was not at his side when Ray passed. I know I'm not supposed to feel that way, but...hindsite being perfect vision, if I would have known he was going to die I would have been at his side the entire night. Plus, I miss him. I miss him so much. It is so wierd to be home here all alone! Even the cats know he's gone. They want so much loving and I can't give enough to all of them. It's been a hard day.

The picture above is from last summer. We took my mom and nieces on the Dune Rides. What a great time we all had!

Love ya, mean it....Jimmy

Evenings are always a bit more emotional. I guess it's because that is the time of day Ray and I would wind down and discuss things, discuss our day, how business is going, and make and eat dinner. Along with having a cocktail or two (or three). It's lonely for me. I'll get through though. I am a tough soul, with LOTS of friends, and LOTS of support.

The pictures above are quite recent. The photo to the left was taken around December 6 or 7, just prior to Ray's surgery. He is with his sister Susie who came in to visit from Colorado. The photo to the right was taken on December 29 (just five days before his death). His sister Kathleen (from Tennessee) is sitting next to him. He looks real good in that picture but I know he was in much pain. Just sharing. - Jimmy

As I wake this morning I am having memories of Ray. I came across this picture of him when we were water-rafting in Jamaica in 2007. My mind still can't wrap around the fact that a person so full of life is gone forever. Sadness encompasses me every day. However, my doctor has given me new medication to help with depression and anxiety and I think it's beginning to help. I haven't felt the "dread" of daily life in a couple days. And, at times I actually feel "good" - in spite of still feeling sad at the same time. It's hard to explain.

I still battle with the "why" questions. Or the "only if" phrases. It's hard not to. It's a natural feeling, even though my grief counselor tells me I need to stop doing that. It's part of the grieving process, but I will soon learn to stop (I hope).

We're covered with a fresh blanket of snow here is Saugatuck today. A perfect day to start working on my taxes. I would like to get everything to my accountant by the first week in March.

Today marks the seventh week anniversary of Ray's death. Questions and concerns still ravage my mind. All the "should I have..." questions flood me. I know it's natural to feel that way (or so I'm told)...but it hurts.

I "did" pretty good today. Cried a little. But I held my composure. I don't know if I'm now "dealing" with it or actually getting better. I am going to grief counseling, crying when I want to, talking to people, reading about grief, etc. Maybe all of that and the medication is helping.

I ate leftovers for dinner tonight. Leftovers from Clearbrook and Everyday People Cafe. I talked with Ray's sister Susie and with my mom. I updated our website, did some laundry and even took my FULL walk today. I am moving forward....with trepidation.

Tomorrow is Monday...six to ten inches of snow expected. Either schools will be closed or I'll be getting a call to sub for someone. So...good bye for now. -Jimmy

Today is a beautiful, sunny winter morning. The sun gives hope of spring, but the cold weather and snow remind me that it's still winter. A long way yet to go before spring. The nice thing about the seasons is that we know for sure they do come and they do go. We know for sure that eventually we'll get there.

Today I feel pretty good emotionally and mentally. However, I still grieve and never know what the next hour will be like. It's an emotional roller-coaster. I worry about each new season that comes. The first spring morning, the first summer morning, the first fall day and then winter again. I will be reminded about Ray each time and grieve. I will feel sorry that he is not here to enjoy it with me.

Three months ago right now Ray and I were getting ready to go for his routine colonoscopy. Little did we know what we were to learn in just a few hours. And little did we know the sudden final outcome. I still can't wrap my mind around it. It was just so sudden. Death is so fierce to those still living. - Jimmy

Tonight I went for a walk...I am trying to keep up with my daily exercise. Due to some spinal cord issues I can't lift weights (thank God) but I try to walk every day. On my walk I recalled the walk I made three months ago tomorrow night. It was on November 19, 2009 that Ray was diagnosed with colon cancer. I went for a walk that night and thought to myself "If Ray dies, this walk will never be the same." I thought that without really thinking that it would be a reality. I really, really thought we would fight this and Ray would get through it....living a long life. Three months ago tonight we had NO idea that Ray only had six weeks more to live. I type this as I tear up...realizing how quickly he went. It's like God just snatched him from me with NO warning.

I know people hear it all the time...but...PLEASE...PLEASE...appreciate the relationships you have. No matter how imperfect they are...appreciate those around you!

Tonight I went to Clearbrook Grill Room with my friend Friedl...from Austria. (Well, she actually lives here in Douglas, but still claims Austria as her home.) Awesome dinner. She was so happy with her pork shank! I had the same thing!

Tomorrow is another day. I have a sub job for just 1 1/2 hours at Saugatuck High School. It should help me get back into the "swing" of subbing.

Today was a beautiful, sunny day. The temp was close to 40. I promised Ray (at the cemetery today) that I would feed the birds. The last time the bird feeders were filled was a couple days after Ray came home from the hospital. So, I fed the birds! - Jimmy

Usually when one wants to make a change in their life they make a plan and set a goal. My change in life did not include a plan or a goal. It just hit me in the face. How can I adapt to a "new life" with no notice?

I went to Meijer today to do some necessary shopping. Paper towels, light bulbs, windshield fluid, and food. Even though I have been to Meijer since Ray died, today was the most odd experience. As I put each item in the cart my thought was "Ray will never see this." I know it seems odd, but that is what went through my head. I bought items to make my dinners and Lean Cuisine's for lunches. I bought things to make breakfast for guests. Every other time I have done this I have done so with thoughts of Ray. "What would Ray like to eat? What can I make for dinner? What Lean Cuisine would he prefer?" That goes through my mind still, but I don't need to think about that. It is so weird. I only have to think about what I need or what I want to eat. (Other than the B&B breakfasts.)

I have been somewhat "numb" today. Nothing like yesterday. I just never know what the day will bring. I'm recovering. I'm getting better...I think. - Jimmy

Our property taxes were due today. As well as many other bills. I sat at the table today writing checks and paying bills. I walked to City Hall and paid our winter property taxes. OUCH!

Today was one of the hardest days I've had since Ray died. Talk about emotion! I think I have drained my soul. My mother is probably screening her calls. I call her at the very end of my meltdowns. She's always there for me in spite of anything.

I really had a great weekend. Good guests plus great friends Jim Koeppen and Don Hoefler. Jim and Don kept me laughing and occupied. They treated me to Wild Dog on Saturday night and we watched the Douglas Mardi Gras parade. Jim has so much energy packed into that little body of his I wish I could harness some of it. Especially for this summer.

I am going to sleep in room three tonight (on the first floor). I've had some "issues" sleeping upstairs lately, so I thought I would give myself a break and sleep on the first floor rather than our apartment. Moscow will be so happy!

Dinner tonight consisted of a jar of chili from the grocery store. How pathetic is that? Maybe not too much. Who want's to cook for one person? I've still got lots of items in the freezers that Ray made. But I must ration them.

It's been a very hard day, but tomorow will be a new day. I miss you Ray! I will never have what we had. - Jimmy

You can’t tell the story of Noah’s ark without a rainbow. The rainbow not only complete’s the story, it tells of a new beginning. A new story. We’re told there were forty days of rain which destroyed everything…everything except what (or who) was in the ark. After forty days, God sent a sign to Noah and his family. The sign was a rainbow. A rainbow signifying a new beginning. A promise of no more punishment. In spite of the rainbow, as the waters subsided, the evidence of devastation was all around. Everything destroyed. But there was a promise of new life.

I saw a glimpse of my rainbow today. I felt good. I awoke with no cries. I even tried to bring thoughts to my mind to make me cry…it didn’t work. I went on with my day. A physical at my doctor’s office. Breakfast (assisted by Friedl) for my guests. Cleaning rooms with Victor. A vist to my grief counselor. A walk. No tears. I felt good. I felt good emotionally and physically. And then I made a visit to the cemetery. There I cried. I “talked” with Ray. I came home. I started to look at pictures from our vacation last year…and cried again. I put the pictures away and made some phone calls. I felt better. I see a rainbow. A sign that one day I will be able to feel a bit more normal. I will have a ”new life.” One day my memories and thoughts of Ray will bring me joy…not tears. The rainbow is there, but the devastation is still around me. - Jimmy

Well, I have almost made it through Valentine's Day. Just 1/2 hour more! I can't say it was the easiest day...but I made it through.

I started this morning with making Quiche Lorraine, Baked Dutch Apple Pancake and Blueberry Bread. Ray would have been soooo proud of my "from scratch" skills I used today! The guests said everything was great!

Running the business by yourself is quite a different story from doing it with two people!! I was supposed to be at my friends' Tony and Kelly's today to watch the NASCAR Daytona 500 race today. By the time I got everything done here at the house I got there about 4:15 (instead of 1:00). That's not bad though. I did get a 1 mile walk in, visited Ray at the cemetery, in addition to laundry, cleaning rooms, maintaining the hot-tub, etc. Tony surprised me with making my favorite dinner! Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and corn! How amazing is that!? He went through so much effort to make that dinner. Kelly and I did get to watch about 1/3 of the race. I'm thankful they are there for me.

After getting home from Tony and Kelly's I made the stroll up the front walk tonight without incident. I didn't cry! (However, I had a big cry/breakdown when I got to their house this afternoon. The last time I was there Ray was with me.) So, maybe a little progress?! I was quite busy when I got home which may have helped. Phone calls to return, laundry to finish, dishwasher to empty, etc.

Gotta go. I have a doctor's appointment at 8:00 a.m. So I've got to get up VERY EARLY to set up coffee. - Jim

Mary helped me with breakfast this morning. It went quite well...very organized. Only six people, but it helps to slowly get back in the pace.

I am so lucky to have so many friends. They check up on me and make sure I'm "ok." I am "ok" - just terribly sad. I don't even think I'm "heartbroken." That would almost seem to be an emotion I would have to have if Ray did something bad to me...or left me intentionally. I think my heart "aches" would be a better description. My family and Ray's family have also kept tabs on me. Checking to see how I'm doing and telling me I can call anytime.

I am subbing next Friday (February 19) at the Saugatuck Middle/High School. Just an hour and a half, but it's a good start to get back out and on my feet.

I'm going to try to get a walk in and go visit Ray at the cemetery. I gotta get back because I'm doing a little wine and hors d'houvre thing for our guests...as a Valentine's treat. Maybe I'll post later tonight. - Jim

Today begins my second "official" weekend open without Ray. And it's Valentine's Day weekend to boot! Another "first" to get over! The best Valentine's Day gift Ray ever gave me was in 1990. I had to get to work early in the dark winter morning. Ray got out of bed before me, it was bitter cold and snowy. He cleaned the snow and ice off my car and warmed it up for me. I thought "now that is a great man!!" I know we were still in the "honeymoon stage" but I always remember it fondly.

Last night I had a terrible dream. In the dream Ray was still alive and I received a phone call from a woman telling me Ray was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. I was upset and screaming at her to tell me what we could do to get rid of it, stop it...anything. I then woke up. It was like reliving the nightmare of three months ago. I guess I will always live with these kinds of dreams. It's a part of my life now.

I will start my day today trying to be positive. It's hard sometimes, but I'm going to work at it. Mary and I plan to do some more aggressive cooking. My freezers will be FULL! Here's to a good weekend! - Jimmy

I took Karlene to the Holland Train Station this morning. Got there around 8:00 a.m. She called me and let me know she got home safe.

Today Mary and I made 101 Potato Latkes, and 50 crepes florentine. Oh My God, the amount of work and dishes involved. I sure hope our guests loved these, because these are NOT easy breakfast dishes to make!!! If I knew the amount of work, effort and money put into it I would have said we should charge double! These crepes are really a labor of love. Which Ray did love to cook. So, it didn't seem like work to him.

I had a few tears today. I realized I had video-taped a couple minutes of us decorating for Christmas this year (on November 29). I watched it and cried.

I do seem to be "doing better" every day. Mary and I went to the cemetery this evening...as I always do. I still miss my Ray. Next week I can take some time to "myself" I'll see how I do alone. I think I need that. - Jimmy

I awoke this morning "feeling good." I talked on the phone with Ray's sister Susie and my mom...and both of them said "you sound good." I did feel good. But I felt guilty feeling good. I'm afraid that if I start to feel good I am letting go of the loss of Ray. It's hard to describe.

I did go to Sam's Club today to get stuff for breakfast items. I shoveled the snow. I went for a walk. Karlene and I went to the cemetery. Mary "checked in" tonight. She is going to help me make a bunch of breakfast items to freeze for future breakfasts.

Mary and I watched "Modern Family" tonight.

Next week I have no visitors. I think that might be good for me. A time to reflect on my own. Get some things in order. I had some cries today...but overall it was a good day/bad day. - Jimmy

I only cried twice today...and the cries were brief. I cried once while I was shoveling snow and once at the cemetery. I just keep thinking that when I pull up to the cemetery Ray will be standing there...shivering from the cold winter air...waiting for me to pick him up. That is my dream. That is my desire. I know it's not real, but I imagine it. I can picture it! I can see him standing there in my mind. I cry.

I paid bills today. I did laundry. LOTS of laundry. I even planned this weekend's breakfast menu with the help of Karlene. I've really got to get the breakfast thing organized. I NEVER worried about it, Ray took care of it.

I think when it all boils down to it, the thing I miss most is "just Ray." I miss his company and our conversations. I miss Ray! I miss his presence! Although today was a "good" day, I know I will have more tough ones ahead. I am trying to do all I can to address all the "issues" such as doing as much as I can without him so that I can't say "....the last time I did this Ray was with me..." or "....the last time I did this Ray was alive..." I'm not trying to rush the grieving but I'm also not trying to deny it. I want to face it HEAD ON. Challenge it. Deal with it. So I can move on with happy memories of my Ray. - Jimmy

Another morning begins. I feel somewhat emotionless this morning. A little sad, but no cries yet this morning. A first for me in the last four days. I had a good grief counseling session yesterday which helped me put things into perspective.

Last night I began to watch the movie "Julie & Julia" with Karlene. That was one of the last movies Ray and I saw in the theatres. I bought the DVD for him while he was in the hospital so he could watch it again on the small DVD player I brought in. He was so happy because we had enjoyed the movie so much and based our November cooking class on Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I could only make it through about 1/3 of the movie last night and I got so sad thinking about Ray and I watching it. I told Karlene I had to go upstairs. I cried a little...but not real hard. I should have known that would have triggered an emotion.

I still sit here and think the "what if's." I've got to stop that. The reality is Ray was in a very advanced stage of colon cancer. If he were still alive today he would probably be suffering so bad and just extending the inevitable reality of death soon. I have to trust that God knows what we can handle and he knew how much Ray could handle. On the afternoon of his death, while he was lying in bed, he said to me "I don't think my body is going to be able to handle chemo." I tried to reassure him that his surgeon and oncologist would decide what he could handle. I think Ray knew. He really seemed to be indicating to me that if the cancer itself didn't kill him the chemo and radiation would. I have to quit guessing. I still just think that maybe there was something more I could do.

Well, I have laundry to do today. Shovel some snow. Pay some bills. A "routine" day. Wish me luck! - Jimmy

Ray is happy today. His New Orleans Saints won. (Well, he would have preferred the Lions, but the Saints were his choice over the Colts.)

I got up early as I had to get blood work done at 7:30 a.m. for my bi-annual physical next Monday. I really just wanted to stay in bed. It is so COLD outside...and DARK!

I've had my morning cry. I just want to move on but it's so hard. I checked my TiVo programs list. As most people know I love to watch Judge Judy. I looked at the TiVo list of Judge Judy programs I still have to watch and the two programs from December 11, 2009 are on there. That was the day of Ray's surgery. That triggered my emotional breakdown this morning. I just thought to myself "these programs aired while Ray was alive in surgery." I can't bear to watch them, and I can't bear to delete them. It seems there is ALWAYS going to be something that triggers an emotional outbreak. At times I just don't know that I can handle this!

People say to me "you look good." It's amazing what a shower, shave and some clean clothes can do. They can't see my heart. I want to return to happiness. I want to wake up in the morning feeling joy. When will that happen? The day will come, but I've got a process to get through in order to have that strength I need to get through the days happy and joyful! - Jimmy

Another very bad morning for me. I can "hold it in" while in the presence of my guests, but I escape to the third floor to cry. I feel as if I'm doing "Ray's job" and it doesn't make sense. He is the chef. I feel like I'm disrespecting him by taking over his duties. Our routine is gone...forever. My heart breaks...it literally feels like it is breaking. I tell myself "I can't go on." And I truly don't know if I can. Physically my body just pains to be able to be with Ray.

My blogs make it sound like our life together was all BLISS. Trust me, it wasn't. We had our share of disagreements, arguments, and ups and downs. But that happens with any TWO people. If you put two people together long enough you'll get that. We worked through all that though. A relationship is work. People asked us how we were able to stay togoether for so long. Our response was "work." Both people in the relationship have to make it work. We made our relationship work in spite of any differences of opinions or arguments, or battles over what TV show to watch.

Three months ago today we were just getting ready to start our November 7 Cooking Class. We had 17 participants. People were buying cookbooks, Ray's napkin rings, etc. I said to Ray "It feels like old times." (This wonderful weekend after the terrible economy we've been in.) We were both feeling so good about things. How can so much change in less than 3 months!!

It's so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I will never see or talk to Ray again. I want to ask him opinions on what I'm cooking. I want to tell him things. Every time I pull into the cemetery I have this morbid thought that he may just be standing there waiting for me to pick him up. Or, I hope I wake up from this long, terrible nightmare. But I know the reality. That's my problem. My mind battles reality versus desires. There is a real strong battle going on right now and it's killing me. I must make it through another day! Hour by hour. - Jimmy

This has probably been the worst day I have had in a couple weeks. I started "back to work" today - however not like most people. Most people who suffer a loss will return to their "normal job" with the same co-workers, bosses, policies, customers, and routine...most things unchanged. A sense of normalcy slips into their lives for about eight hours. Even if it's with people they don't even like. I don't have that normalcy.

I am back to work - now suffering the loss of my co-worker. Missing his presence in the morning with me and with our guests. We had our routine, I made coffee, he lit the candles. I set the table, he prepared the menu. We shared phone duty and checking guests in. He was my work companion. In our personal lives he was my best friend.

I have had some breakdowns today. I let them flow, but then I take some medication to numb me a bit so I can focus on my day. I do have to get tasks done, but I want the emotions to flow too. I need to let it out, but I need to move on with my day.

I went for a walk this afternoon. A very short walk. It is sunny but COLD! I remembered my first walk after we found out about Ray's cancer. I thought to myself "this walk will never be the same if he dies." At the bottom of my heart I truly didn't think he would die from the cancer, and definitely not this soon in life. But there was this little tiny seed of fear in me that festered the thought. As I walked today I thought about that day. My mind still has not wrapped around the fact that the reality of that tiny thought has come to pass. I did today's walk almost as if it was "routine." It happened so quick and I just did the motions that I almost had NO feelings one way or another. (Maybe it's the medication!)

I will close for now. I will make my usual evening visit to the cemetery and visit with my Ray. I miss him, his co-worker misses him. I miss my best friend. - Jimmy

Today was a rough day for me. I have struggled hard with battles of cries and mourning. I am able to escape away from Joe and get into another room (or the third floor) and just let loose. I don't know why today is so hard versus other days. At these times I just feel like I can't go on. I mean it truly. That is exactly how I feel. I feel better after my cry and move on, but then it hits me again.

Joe and I figured out some breakfast items for this weekend. He will help me tomorrow morning getting things together. He was awesome today helping me get the house in "tip-top shape."

We'll leave in about an hour to pick up Karlene at the train station. It will be hard when she gets here. She was here just less than a week before Ray died. I know I will cry and I will struggle. - Jimmy

Today the Kirby House officially reopens for business. The first since New Year's. It will be very emotional for me. I have already had a couple tears this morning. Memories of Ray still flood my mind every minute. How couldn't they, he has been part of me for 21 years!

In the beginning my mornings were good, now they seem to be harder. Maybe because I've been sleeping upstairs in "our" bed. I was better in the mornings having slept in room 3. Maybe I should start to rotate.

I will get the house cleaned up today (along with Joe's help). We just need to straighten some things up, put some final Christmas decorations in the basement and dust & vacuum.

Joe and I will pick up Karlene at the train station in Bangor tonight at about 8:40 p.m. She is staying until Wednesday. My friends keep me busy which helps time pass by. When I'm alone, or at the cemetery, I do have my own personal cries. I miss Ray and wish I could hug and hold him just once more...but maybe that would be too tough on me. Well, I must get going for the official opening. - Jimmy

It has been one month plus one day since Ray's passing. Today was a "good" day. My friend Philip came by this morning and we watched The View. Joe got up and came downstairs by about 12:15 p.m. The three of us went to Portage, Michigan to go to Stein Mart. I wasn't too impressed. I bought a scarf, a fruit bowl, and reading glasses. A sign of "old age".

Tonight Joe and I met Mary at Clearbrook. I saw many friends there who gave lots of hugs and told me they read my "blog" daily.

The frames I purchased for Ray's Life Story package arrived today and I started putting them together.

I visited Ray today at the cemetery. I cried a few times today...not too emotional.

I want to talk to Ray...to share what is going on. I do so when I visit him at the cemetery or just talking to myself. I miss him so much. Love you Ray....Jimmy.

I began this morning with a call from a guest/friend (Karlene) who is coming in to see me this weekend. I am picking her up in Bangon at the train station. She is coming in from Chicago and called to let me know the exact time she will be there.

I also received a message from Ray's sister, Susie. I will try calling her back in a little bit (after she leaves the gym).

Tears came to my eyes slightly later when I read an email from a repeat guest, Donna. Her and her husband were here for our last cooking class in November. She shared her remembrances of that weekend with us (their third visit to Kirby House). She spoke of Ray and his wide smile. It made me cry. I try to keep going on. On the outside I'm sure I look pretty "sane" to most people...but a lot of the times I am really just breaking up inside. My thoughts are ALWAYS of Ray. Every single moment of the day. In everything I do. Thoughts are ALWAYS of Ray. (What would Ray think of this? I wish I could tell Ray that. Would Ray like this item I am thinking of buying?) It's kind of overwhelming. And a little overbearing.

Smiles also came to my face today as I watched my cat Amity playing around by the new couch. She was quite amused with herself. It made my heart feel happy.

Yesterday Joe and I ran all over town! We had "Tuesday Dinner" and Richard and Larry's. Wonderful food and conversation. Seems Joe knew many of the same people Larry did from the "old neighborhoods" in Detroit. I was up until about 2:45 am this morning. I just wanted to be REAL tired before I went to bed...otherwise my mind wanders with thoughts that keep me awake.

Monday I go to the doctor's to get blood work for my bi-annual physical on February 15. I am going to beg him for a colonoscopy. I want to catch anything early. Ray thought he was doing so by getting his at the recommended age of 50...and it was too late. I keep hearing about people dying from all kinds of cancers before 50 years old that I'm beginning to think I should just plan on living another 10 years...I don't know if I'll make it past 50 myself!

Today Joe and I plan to straighten up the house a bit. I think I might be able to drag him out somewhere to do something. For some reason, leaving the house during the day helps me, but I MUCH prefer being HOME at night. All my love to Ray. - Jimmy

I awoke this morning at about 9:40. Although most mornings have been "good" for me (emotionally), this morning was not. I laid in our bed after I awoke and cried and cried. I wanted so badly to just hug and hold Ray. My body and soul just can't seem to accept it yet. I recovered and went downstairs to greet my good friend Joe.

Joe has taken over plant duty. He is trimming, watering, and moving the plants where they need to be in order to thrive. I told him he could have a part time job here if he lived closer.

I had another cry just before we ate breakfast. I don't know why it's really hard on me today. Today I just keep thinking of Ray being in the hospital and sitting with him, taking care of him between nurse calls. And I just keep asking God "WHY!?" In my heart I know the response is "Why not?" Why are any of us too special to get sick, have pain, suffer loss. We think other people should experience these things but not US! And although I know that is the truth I still ask the question "WHY?" I miss Ray so unbelievably I can't even comprehend it myself. I think the biggest reason is because of how soon he was taken from this earth! I felt for sure we would have another 20 to 30 years together. But that was not God's plan. I'm not always pleased with God's plans, but I must trust the outcome. As I said in an earlier blog..."the hallway is a bitch!"

I need to drop off some paperwork at my attorney's office today. Then I will go "running" around town with Joe. He will keep my mind off things. He has a way with subtle humor...I'm sure I will have some laughs. - Jimmy

I awoke this morning and decided that I would go out for breakfast before my grief counseling session. I went to Bob Evans in Holland. I had a good session with my counselor. She tells me I am doing things "right." Life is so hard right now though. Even at Bob Evans I just felt so lonely.

Last night my friend Friedl came over and we made dinner together. Then we watched Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters. It was a real nice night for me. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I have a hard time going out and coming home alone.

This afternoon when I got back from counseling my friends Willa and Shawn came by to clean rooms for me! Willa owns Twin Oaks Inn in downtown Saugatuck. The three of us got the five rooms on the second floor cleaned. What friends!

Later this afternoon my friend Joe Lievens came in from the Detroit area. He is spending several days here with me. It will be nice to be together, laugh about old times...maybe even cry about old times. I'm looking forward to spending time with him. We went to visit Ray at the cemetery this afternoon.

That is pretty much about how my day went. BUSY keeps my mind off the constant "thinking about things." - Jimmy