Jim's Web-Log

I left today about 1:30 p.m. Made a quick stop to the cemetery to say "bye" to Ray and got on the road about 1:50 p.m. I made it to my mom's house at about 4:40 p.m. Had Chinese carry-out for dinner...my brother Rich joined us.

Leaving my mom's house about 7:00 a.m. I hope I can sleep tonight. I'll keep the blog updated if I can find internet access!

Our friend/guest Chris Joyce is watching the house for me for while I'm gone. He watched it last year when Ray and I went on our Mexican Riviera cruise. So I know the Painted Lady and the four cats are in good hands. - Jimmy

A picture of Ray in his youth. This was the camper his parents took him camping in. I would guess this to be around 1971 or 1972. The picture was taken in their backyard.

Today was one of those days. Not a hard day, not a great day. I think I'm having some apprehension about going on the trip. Leaving the house for such a long period of time on a trip without Ray. There is so much to get done and take care of before I leave. I've got a great housesitter but I still have to get things in order. I believe this will be good for me in spite of my apprehension.

Today I read my blog from the beginning through January 8th. Not a great idea. Or was it? I had a real good cry...and maybe it was needed. I relived the weeks before and after his surgery.

I told my grief counselor that I thought wearing black for a widow during mourning was probably a good idea. That way one didn't have to explain what was going on. People saw the black and knew the individual was mourning the death of their spouse. Sometimes I feel so "out of it" I think people around me must think "what is his problem?" If I wore black they would know what was going on in my life and understand.

I will leave for Detroit tomorrow about 1:00 p.m. Spend the night at my mom's house and then leave for Metro Airport Friday morning. Bittersweet....-Jimmy

Marguerite, Ray and Susie at Marguerite's house north of here in 2004.

I slept with Moscow last night...she was so happy. I got up early and started in right away with chores. I'm leaving for Detroit on Thursday. I'm taking my mom on a cruise and we're flying out of Detroit Metro Airport on Friday. Saturday we board the Crown Princess for a seven night Western Caribbean Cruise. It is exactly the same cruise as the first one Ray and I took, except this time we visit Hondorus instead of Jamaica. So the ports of call are Hondorus, Cozumel, Bahamas, Grand Caymen. I planned this in late January as a way for me to get together with my mom and spend some quality time with her, clear my mind, and get ready mentally for the busy season soon approaching us.

I got a final word from Ray's sister Marguerite that she will be coming here for at least three months to be "co-innkeeper" with me. She has "NO" idea what she is getting into! (LOL) This will be a very different year for me...but with the help of family and friends I can do it.

Ray and I used to have this tradition (the last three years) to go to "Alpen Rose" (an Austrian restaurant in Holland, Michigan) a few days before our cruise. My friend Friedl treated me there tonight...she is from Austria and insisted.

I have a TON of loose ends to fill tomorrow before I leave on Thursday, I hope I get them done!

Ray may be having a new "neighbor." I went to visit his grave today and there was a big yellow digger truck right there and a guy raking up some land. It appears to be right in front of his grave. I doubt they would have a digger there if they didn't plan to dig a grave.

I'm moving along...I miss Ray...I miss his smile...I miss his laugh. - Jimmy

This has been a great weekend for me. With the cooking class and all, I have been so busy I haven't had time to "think" about things. I've laughed, smiled, joked, and had fun. Scott and Mary Ellen were here, Beth and Nancy (two people I worked with at First Nationwide Bank years ago), Wendy and Rebekah and Bruce. Two new guests Doug and Becky. It was just an awesome weekend. Scott worked so hard on the class. It went great. Wendy helped clean rooms, dishes, and keep things together.

I had grief counseling today. It went good. I'm trying hard!

I am going to be moving the links OFF of the Kirby House page location. If you have "bookmarked" the pages or put them as "favorites" you don't have do worry about it. If you get to the pages from the Kirby Home Page just scroll to the very bottom and click on the very small "Jim/Ray" link.

Friedl came over for leftovers tonight. YUM, YUM!

God bless and I'll post tomorrow. - Jimmy

Cooking Class 2010. Our March 20th cooking class with Chef Scott Riker.

This has been a very "good" weekend for me. I have been busy and my mind kept occupied. This is the busiest weekend I've had at the Inn since Ray died. A full house and a cooking class. Ray's brother Scott came in with his wife Mary Ellen to host the cooking class. He did an AWESOME job! A lot like his brother...but different too. Ray delegated a little too much.

We had snow here today. Temps near 70 degrees this week and the first day of spring we get snow. It is pretty though.

Scott and Mary Ellen are staying tomorrow night too. We're going to watch the NASCAR race and he is making corned beef. Friedl is coming for dinner too.

It's nice to have a somewhat "normal" weekend. - Jimmy

Ray and I on our 2008 Caribbean Cruise.

I've lost the use of my heart
But I'm still alive
Still looking for the life
The endless pool on the other side
It's a wild wild west
I'm doing my best

I'm at the borderline of my faith,
I'm at the hinterland of my devotion
In the frontline of this battle of mine
But I'm still alive

I'm a soldier of love.
Every day and night
I'm a soldier of love
All the days of my life

I've been torn up inside
I've been left behind
So I ride
I have the will to survive

In the wild wild west,
Trying my hardest
Doing my best
To stay alive

I am love's soldier!

I wait for the sound

I know that love will come
Turn it all around.

This is from "Sade's" New Album "Soldier of Love." I heard it a month ago and it seemed so close to what my heart was feeling. I had to post it. It says how I feel. "I'm doing my best. I have the will to survive."

Today was a gorgous day! I paid some bills, ran some erronds, cleaned up some things outside and even did a short walk. I went to the cemetery and the sun was shining so nicely on Ray's grave.

Friedl is coming over here to make dinner for us. I just didn't have the courage to go there and do the "walk" home to an empty house. Soon I will...soon I will. As I said, "I'm doing my best." - Jimmy

A picture of Ray in front of our condo on Amity Street in Douglas in 1997.

Today I awoke at 2:00 a.m. I decided to get out of bed at 3 a.m. Why lay there and let your mind wander? I subbed for fifth grade today. It was kind of difficult, I had Ray on the back of my mind at all times (as usual). I used to come home from sub jobs and tell him about my day...I had no one to tell that to.

It was such a nice afternoon (weather-wise). I took a nice walk....went to the cemetery. I had a "hard" time walking through our gardens and looking at them. Things are starting to come up...and he's not here to see it.

I will stay strong. - Jimmy

A Family Reunion....about 1990 or 1991. Scott, Marguerite, Susie and Ray.

I went for grief counseling today. For the last week the events of January 3 have been going through my mind like a bad television rerun. Over and over and over. I thought I got over the events of that night and was now just grieving the loss of Ray...but now I suffer with the remembrance of the events that transpired. I discussed this with my grief counselor today and she helped me see that the grief process is individualistic. I'm afraid to tell people if I am doing "good" because they might think I've "forgotten" Ray. She told me I need to be "Jim"....I need to be "myself." Grieve how "Jim" would grieve or else I will lose who I am if I conform to behaving how I think other people think I should behave. I don't know if I got that all out the right way....but hopefully it makes sense to those reading this.

I am subbing tomorrow for fifth grade in Douglas. It should be good for me. Get out of the house with 25 10 year olds...my mind will be occupied!

I'm looking forward to Scott and Mary Ellen coming in this weekend for the cooking class. It should be a great time.

I will grieve "my" way. - Jim

This is "one" of my favorite photos of Ray and me. This was taken in Saugatuck the summer of 1990. My first visit to Saugatuck. His shirt was a reference to the "Wizard of Oz." It was a note from Toto to Dorothy...it said something like "Hated You, Hated the Witch, Hated Oz...I took the shoes and going back to Kansas....Toto." Something silly like that.

Today was a hard day for me. It was wonderful with my mom and brother here, but I got all emotional just before they left. My mom was so close to me just less than 48 hours before Ray died. She spent ten days helping us out here at the Inn. She went home January 2nd and it was the night of January 3rd I called to tell her Ray had passed. I read her and my brother some of his journal and it just made me so emotional. After they left I was so tired from all of that I rested most of the afternoon. I did get a walk in and visit to the cemetery.

The wierd thing I am experiencing now is all the things Ray "left behind." My mind can't wrap around the fact that he is gone but left everything right where he left it. It is so odd. I look at things and think "...Ray should have this..." Another challenge to get through.

Ten weeks ago tonight my life was changed forever. I'm pressing on, but it's hard. - Jimmy

Last summer...Ray teaching my nieces (Julia and Lauren) how to do "flags" for drum corps...marching band. Ray's true love (DCI).

I spent the day with my mom and brother. A very simple day. They arrived after I made breakfast for my guests. We spent some time catching up and then went out to Big Lots and Dollar General!!!! Oh, and a stop to Dollar Tree. Ray always thought I was such a big spender....look at the stores I go to!

We went to Clearbrook Grill Room for dinner tonight. Wonderful dinner. Came home and had ice-cream while we watched TV. A nice "normal" night for me with family.

We did make a stop to the cemetery...an emotional event. It's so hard to believe......-Jimmy

This is one of my favorite pictures of Ray. We were in San Francisco in 1990...riding a trolley car...hanging on to the side. I had my camera around my neck and quickly snapped the picture. It was totally candid and shows how natural that smile was of his. He always teased me and said I was really trying to get a picture of the guy behind him. Hello!?!?! Who's cuter and handsomer?!

Today has not been the greatest day. I am really feeling alone. I want so much to share things with Ray, but can't. I checked in our guests but have no one to share a dinner with or a cocktail before dinner with. I'm getting "better" every day, but today I just kind of feel alone. How can I take almost 21 years together and just end it?! My mind can't comprehend it.

I am so fortunate for family and friends. Ray's family, my family, "our" friends. How could I get along without them?

The weather has been awesome!! I took a walk today, cleaned rooms, mopped the floors, paid bills, went to the cemetery, cleaned "our" apartment and washed dishes. I talked with Marguerite today. Also, I talked with Susie, today is her 60th birthday! Happy Birthday Susie!

Tomorrow my mother and brother are coming to spend the day and night with me. I will be so happy to see them. I haven't seen them since the funeral. - Jimmy

Ray, with one of his cats.

Ray loved animals...although I don't think he was that fond of dogs. When the therapy dogs came into his room at the hospital he kind of gave this look like "what the heck is that doing in here?!" I of course loved seeing the dogs. He loved his cats, birds, and most animals outside (except for racoons). I looked around the front yard this afternoon with tears. The snow has melted and I can see spring flowers starting to sprout through the dirt. This is what Ray would have loved. He always was the first to notice a flower sprouting or budding.

I hope he is surrounded by nature right now. Beautiful flowers, animals and gardens. While he is there I will do my best to take care of his gardens and animals here on earth. - Jimmy

Scott (on the left) and Ray at Scott's wedding to Mary Ellen.

Every day is a reminder of something. It is impossible to get through a day without a reminder of the loss of Ray. Personal belongings everywhere. I deal with it. I've gotten better about it.

Today it was about "spring." This is the type of day Ray would have LOVED! Warm weather (almost 60 degrees). You can see the daffodils sprouting up, along with the other perennials. The fresh air.

Scott is working so hard on making the upcoming cooking class so great. Ray would be so proud of his brother and everything he is doing to make this cooking class a success. Ray had a very close knit family. They really love each other. There is no judgemental feelings put on one another like some families.

I am doing good today. I could not sleep well last night, got up at about 5:00 a.m. I need to get into a better routine.

That is my life today....love you Ray! Jimmy

Ray "probably doing what he shouldn't be doing" at Notre Dame High School in Harper Woods. I'm sure the secretaries let him get away with a lot of "stuff."

Today I felt lonely. Not sad or happy. Not depressed or anxious. Just lonely. It was a gorgous spring day here today. Temperatures over 50 degrees and sunny. I decided I would make a trip to the outlet mall in Michigan City (anything to get me out of the house). I spent an hour there and bought two shirts. Nothing else seemed to appeal to me. Ray and I usually went there together and enjoyed an afternoon just looking and shopping for deals. There was no excitement in it for me today. Why should I buy any new clothes? Who do I have to "dress up" for?

I did go for a walk (trying to every day). Went to the cemetery. I plan to grill some pork chops for my dinner tonight. First time using the grill this year.

I have grief counseling tomorrow morning. Looking forward to it. God bless. - Jimmy

This is the last picture of Ray and I together. It was taken just as we were leaving for the hospital on December 11, 2009. Little did we know the hell that was awaiting us!

I came across this picture today. It has been tucked away with others for a couple months now. I'm glad I did not come across it until today...it would have hurt too much. As it is, I had quite a meltdown when I saw it and realized it was our last picture taken together. Emotions and tears sure poured out. I reverted in my grieving process. Today I felt as if I could truly accept the fact of his death, then tonight I am again asking "why!?" I suppose this will be part of my life for a long time to come. I miss him. I remember the car drive to the hospital that day...he held my hand as long as he could until I told him I needed it to drive safely. How I wish I could hold his hand today. He asked if I thought he would be ok. I assured him he would. I believed it, he just needed to hear it. How wrong I was...how wrong I was. - Jimmy

I am reading a new book titled "I'm Grieving as Fast As I Can." It is for younger widows (under 50). It has been a great book so far. It seems like I wrote it. It helps so much to validate my feelings and realize I'm not going crazy. I've had a "good" day but have felt sad at the same time. No cries today.

I went to see "Alice in Wonderland" today with a couple friends. It was one of my "firsts." Ray and I went to see "A Christmas Carol" back in November...and being in the theatre there without him was a bit odd.

I just read that it can take up to three years to grieve, with the first year being the worst. I've got a long road ahead. But, I'm grieving as fast as I can....-Jimmy

September 13, 2009 - Emily, Ray and Marguerite on the front porch at the Kirby House. Marg and Em made a surprise visit!

I have always heard the phrase "time heals all wounds." What I have learned through the grieving process is that time gives you the "space" to heal and recover. Time itself doesn't "heal" but it gives you the space to grieve, cry, learn, grow, adjust, etc. On the two month anniversary of Ray's death (today) I can say that I have used EVERY minute of this time to heal. I have utilitzed every opportunity to "get through" this. The pain and heartache are so intense there is a great desire to feel "normal." I have lost my grandparents, my uncle, my father, my brother....none of those have impacted me like the loss of my partner, soulmate, best friend, lover. Time gives us the space to heal.

My birthday celebration dinner last night was wonderful. Four of us got together to celebrate Ray's life, enjoy a great meal, dessert, and libations...of course. Champagne with dessert....wonderful!

The sun was out all day today. Temperatures reached 40 degrees. I even saw the tips of daffodils sprouting up through the melting snow. Ray would have loved it. There is a sign of spring. Life after death. - Jimmy

The picture above is of Ray a year ago today on his 50th birthday.

Today is a sunny morning. Ray's 51st birthday. He would have been so happy for the sunshine and warmer temperatures (upper 30's)! I am having a "Dinner Birthday Party" for him tonight with some friends. Dinner, birthday cake and all! We will celebrate his birthday.

I have a mixed bag of emotions today. I really don't want to have a breakdown so I'm trying hard to keep happy for Ray. In one of my grief books I read that tears release toxins from the body. The author encourages one who is in the grieving process to cry...cry as much as possible because it releases energy and toxins from the body. I can testify to that. I know that after I've had a good cry I feel exhausted and released of some of the emotional pain. And sometimes after I've cried I feel like I still want to cry but can't. It's like everything that needed to get out got out. Today, however, I want to be strong. That may not be what I "should" be doing, but I really don't know if I can handle a big cry today. It will exhaust me too much.

I'm sure Ray would be happy that we are celebrating his birthday today...I will always remember my Ray! - Jimmy

It's March 1st and the month sure came in like a lamb! It is a sunny day, about 40 degrees out. It feels like spring.

Yesterday I bought a couple new books on grieving. I sat in the parlor and was reading one...Moscow took over my lap. This is a picture of her curled up with me. I slept with her last night on the main floor. She was so happy! Although the others on the third floor weren't happy about it.

I've had a "good" day so far. I've been avoiding looking at photo albums and such. It's too draining for another emotional cry today, so I'm trying to avoid that. Experiencing the loss of your partner/spouse sure changes your life. The way you look at things, what you appreciate, how you feel when you hear someone else is sick or had died. There is a LOT more emotion felt in everything I do. And as I move through my day, doing my daily routines (bank, grocery shopping, post office) there is NOT ONE MINUTE that Ray is not on my mind. It is emotionally draining. It's like having two things going on in your brain at ALL TIMES.

I found a video on my camera which I took when I brought Wiley to the hospital. It was on December 17 or 18. I put it on the internet, but I'm putting a link here. I hope it works... -Jimmy

http://www.kirbyhouse.com/306619412869.mov