I awoke this morning to a beautiful spring morning sunrise and temperatures that made it feel more like mid summer than mid spring. I had everything prepared for breakfast and got out of bed and put it in the oven (I am using the oven in our innkeepers quarters). I lay on the couch and watch Judge Judy. I feel good...very good. I am positive! I shower and get downstairs to get coffee going, put fruit out and "turn the house on" for the morning. Friedl came over to help me set up and clear up breakfast. Another day that felt like everything was normal...other than Ray not being here. As my guests were finishing up breakfast I sat on the front porch swing and looked at the gardens, the lawn, the beautiful wrap-around porch. I tried to look at it through Ray's eyes. He would often sit there after serving breakfast and look over his "domain." I did that and thought of all the times he sat there and saw what I am seeing now. It felt pleasant, but sad too. Sad that he is not here to enjoy that.

After the guests checked out I decided to clean ALL of the rooms today. I was going to pace myself throughout the week but figured I would just get them all done and have it off my mind. I worked like a dog. I had a mission. Nothing was going to stop me. And nothing did. I got them all done! Laundry is still a work in progress but the rooms are clean. Time for a break. I sit down and call my mom. Then I pull out my book of daily meditations for working through grief and read May 24th's meditation. I start to think about what it says and then it hits me. I break down. I cry. I cry pretty hard. I can though...no one else is here. I can let it go. That part feels good. But I still feel so sad. Then I realize that I need to get "busy" to take my mind off the sadness. I decide to blog. A good excuse to take my mind off the sadness and to sit and continue resting after the busy day. I still have plans to powerwash the deck today, cut the lawn and work on fixing the back gate. I know that all three things will not get accomplished, however there are enough things to keep me busy, keep my mind occupied, and make me feel satisfied at my accomplishments of the day.

I thank God for the 21 wonderful years he allowed me to share with Ray. - Jimmy

A busy weekend for me. Kevin and Paul (repeat guest) took me to dinner Friday night. How nice! Saturday brought in some new guests to Kirby House. I think they were quite satisfied.

I made Ray's "Brunch Enchiladas" for the first time. I did some things different, and it was quite the learning experience. But they seemed to be a "hit." There were none left.

I'm getting through breakfast without any cries. Maybe because I'm too busy with things now that the season is starting to kick in. There is just so much to do. There is no time to grieve. Not until everyone is gone. But, Scott and Mary Ellen are coming in tomorrow and will help me with major projects. My friend Joe Lievens is coming in Wednesday to help me with stuff too. I am so fortunate for having such great family and friends.

Friedl came by last night and made ribs. This time they didn't burn. I'm having them as left-overs tonight.

Tonight I went to the cemetery and sat down next to Ray's grave and had a real nice long "talk." I know I'm talking to myself, but it's kind of a release for me. It was a nice night, warm, sun shining and calm breeze. It's still so hard to comprehend he is gone forever. Everything was so quick and no preparation. Maybe we should have taken this more seriously...I miss him.

Those are my thoughts today. - Jimmy

A couple nights ago I had this dream that Ray and I were catering some type of dinner or brunch. There were TONS of people there and I was supposed to make French Toast. However, I only had a 1/2 loaf of bread. I approached Ray and said how am I supposed to make all this French Toast with just a 1/2 loaf of bread? He told me to just "deal with it." I was so mad. (In the dream.) But maybe it is a message. Maybe it is still him telling me that when things seem impossible to say to yourself "There is nothing you can do...just deal with it." Or...maybe it was just a bad dream.

This morning I awoke but was still half asleep. As I was in bed...still half asleep and not knowing exactly where I was, I thought to myself...I need to call Ray, I haven't talked to him in a while. Then reality set in immediately. I subbed for second grade this afternoon...it was a real nice diversion. Even the school secretary said "nice to have you back." Tomorrow I sub for a Teen Leadership Class at Saugatuck Middle/High School. I should be out in time to get home and do my guest check-ins.

I've had to delete Ray's name from letters and notes I/we send out. I have to...if I didn't it would confuse people. Yet, when I delete his name I feel like I am being so disrespectful to him. It's a very difficult thing to try to explain. I don't think anyone could understand it unless they went through it.

My second dream of Ray...and we were fighting over French Toast! Sounds like reality. - Jimmy

I sit here, in the parlor and I don't know exactly what to say. But, I know that people are reading my blog and want to know what is going on.

Yesterday Friedl took me to Sam's Club to get two new lounge chairs for the pool. What a fiasco! We got them in her S.U.V and got them home. I was so thankful to her that I offered to make her dinner. I made Viener Schnitzel...at her house.

Today I was a bit "down." I feel so lonesome at times. Even though I have so many friends. I can't explain. I'm sure some people know what I am feeling.

It is 9:30 p.m. and I may have to walk Friedl's dog in an hour or so. Long story....

I'm doing "good"....but I'm still getting better. When I went to the cemetery today I just couldn't believe that Ray is gone. I miss you Ray....more than you know. - Jimmy

Today has had it's "ups and downs." Overall a good day. But periods of sentiment. I had dinner tonight at Tony and Kelly's. Philip picked me up along with Jim Jerger and Friedl. It was a nice night out. I still feel kind of awkward being alone...without Ray. I keep feeling he is missing out on what is going on in my/our life. (I still think of him as being a part of my life.) I want him to see everything that is going on, what I am doing, the things Scott has helped me out fixing. I have accepted his loss in my life, but I still find it hard to comprehend. I know it doesn't make sense. I don't know if I am doing "this" right...but I'm trying to do what I am supposed to do. - Jimmy

I am sitting in the parlor right now...Moscow snuggled between my legs...making it difficult to type on my laptop.

Today is Mothers' Day. I thank God for my mother. I am closer to her now than when I was a child. We have bonded as adult friends...and bonded as mother and adult son. I am so thankful to God for her and her unconditional love. I sent her a card, small gift and called her today. Since we couldn't be together today I decided to take my friend Friedl to Mothers' Day brunch at Clearbrook. Her children live far away, my mom lives far away...so I thought we could both benefit from celebrating Mothers' Day together. And what a wonderful brunch it was. Amazing selection of food choices, beautiful view of the gardens, and a great sunny day (finally).

On to music. It is so amazing how atune I am now to the words in songs. Songs I have heard for years now have so much more meaning to me. I listen intently and it seems like some songs were written just for or by me.

I wish so bad that I could just have a conversation with Ray and tell him what's going on. I want him to see things I've done here at the Inn, tell him how helpful his family has been. I want to talk to him so bad. Someday I will. -Jimmy

I knew Gabby was not doing too well for several months. However, she seemed happy and not suffering. I knew she was somewhere between 18 and 21 years old, so I didn't want to bring her to the vet and put her on some medication or shots unless I clearly saw that she was in pain or suffering. Gabby was a cat that Ray and I adopted when we lived in Royal Oak. She was NOT a very cordial cat. She would have preferred to be the ONLY cat in house, but that wasn't the case. It was clear to us that no shelter would take her and adopt her out because of her attitude (not adoptable). So, we kept her. Ray always wanted to give Gabby the benefit of the doubt. "Who knows what her life was like before she showed up in our yard." Gabby mellowed out over the years. For the last year or two she loved to lay between my legs on the couch in our quarters as I watched the Today Show. She would purr, and purr and purr. She did this up through yesterday morning.

I've always heard that when cat's "know" they are about to die they go to a secluded place to do so. I have been expecting lately that I would find her in some corner somewhere...dead. It's amazing how she came in bed with me just seconds/minutes before she took her last breath. I don't know how she had the energy to jump on the bed. I of course have cried, but a lot of it is because I don't have the support of Ray here with me.

I decided to have her cremated and bury her ashes at Ray's grave. He would have wanted that. My friend Philip came by here to take me to the vet and leave her there. He also came back to Kirby House to finish cleaning my last two rooms for me. I am truly lucky to have such friends. But, the more friendships/relationships you get into, the more vulnerable you are to the risk of losing them. I thought about this today with Gabby. I guess the only way to keep from suffering grief from loss is to seclude yourself from anyone, or anything. No pets, no friends, no spouse. But that wouldn't be a fulfilling life. I guess loss, grief, and suffering come with a fulfilled life. So, in spite of my losses, grief, and suffering....I have a fulfilled life. Thanks to my relationships I have with family and friends. --Jimmy