I am missing Ray.  Not in a bad or sad way, just missing him.  It's a feeling one would have when their loved one has been away for a while and they begin to miss them.  I just feel that he should be here. 

 

Last night Friedl and I went to Clearbrook for dinner.  It was so nice.  We ate outside and had a great time catching up.  She's been traveling the country over that past month and is back in Michigan for a few days.  I look forward to our trip to Austria in November.

 

Amity is still stable.  No changes.  She seems very happy.

 

I am doing well.  I'm just missing Ray. - Jimmy

I feel that I am beginning to "heal."  Earlier this year I read something about "time heals all wounds."  What I read was that is wasn't about time itself, it was about all the things that happened during that period of time.  Over the last seven months I have wept, gone to grief counseling, called family at all hours of the day and night, read and read and read about grief and loss, and had the fantastic support of family and friends.  I NEVER, EVER thought I would get to the point I am today.  I feel normal.  At times I also feel somewhat guilty for feeling normal.  I know that is not how I should feel.  My grief counselor has told me that.  I will get through this guilt feeling one day too. 

 

My brother and sister-in-law, Rich and Pam, are here for a visit.  How nice.  Ray's sister Grace also came in yesterday (she is doing a poolside Tupperware party tonight).  We grilled pork chops last night and sat around our new firepit.  I felt normal.

 

Amity is doing well.  She appears normal by all accounts.  The cancer is there, but not taking a toll on her yet.  I am happy she is with me.  The only problem is she wakes me at 6:30 a.m. every morning. 

 

Last week we had such great guests stay with us.  Marguerite and I went to sunset with some of them, dinner, the local theatre, swimming, and more.  I felt like I was on vacation.  Trust me we work very hard all day doing breakfast, cleaning dishes, doing laundry, cleaning rooms, checking people in (and out), taking reservations, cleaning the pool and hot-tub, waatering flowers, etc., etc.  But we also enjoy ourselves throught the day.  So we work hard and we play hard - I guess you could say.  It has been nice and it is part of my healing process that has gotten me to the point of feeling normal.  I am healing.  - Jimmy

Three years ago tonight my brother David was rushed to St. John Hospital.  He died a few days dater. 

 

It runs through my mind.  I am tired.  Good night.  Jimmy

Well here it is...mid-summer already.  Too busy to do much grieving.  It's constantly "go, go, go."  Wonderful weekend full of wonderful guests!  New and repeat.  We had a "Christmas in July" celebration this weekend.  A small, lighted tree sat on the piano, Christmas music played from the piano, even some small decorations.  On Saturday night we had a Christmas party at the pool.  Food, beverages and gift exchange game.  Everyone had a blast.

 

Yesterday I went to the cemetery with Marguerite and some guests.  (I go every day, but this was special.)  David Laski came along.  He was here with his partner, Kyle, the night Ray died.  He brought a dozen yellow roses and a vase to leave at the grave for Ray.

 

Amity is still stable.  She eats well, is up about one pound and seems happy and content.  She just keeps throwing up.  It seems like the minute I get it all cleaned up she does it again.  It is not really solid material, it's more of a liquid material.  So, I don't know what to do.  Again, she doesn't seem to be doing any kind of suffering.  In fact she is sitting here next to me on the floor right now cleaning herself.

 

Marguerite and i are going to the Allegan Flea Market in a couple  minutes.  So, I will close for now.  I am extremely tired from the busy summer, but it will all slow down a bit in a couple months.  - Jimmy

Wednesday night.  July 21.  It is almost the morning of the 22.  Today was a very good day.  I went with my mom and two nieces (Lauren and Julia) to Holland.  We went to "Dutch Village," a theme park.  It was so totally "tourist" but was perfect for us.  We spent about 1 and 1/2 hours there.  The girls saw chickens, ducks, petted rabbits and fed goats.  They went on two pretty "lame" raides, but I think they had a good time.  It was the perfect pace for my mom.  Later we went to Big Lots...one of my FAVORITE stores. 

 

Marguerite and I went to see the show at Mason Street Warehouse tonight.  it was "Dixie's Tupperware Party."  (Just "google" it and you'll see.)  We went with guests Mark and Steve.  They treated us to dinner tonight at Clearbrook.  It was a perfect night.

 

I will close now, but I must say that today I feel really good!  I am just a little sad that my mom and nieces will be going home tomorrow.  But Dave, Karl, Gary, Kyle and Autumn are checking-in tomorrow (The Kirby Girls)!  YEAH!  Jimmy

It is mid-summer.  My mother and two neices are here.  It is so nice.  I cherish the moments with them.  - Jimmy

Today is Sunday.  A new week has begun.  My mother and two nieces are coming in tomorrow for a few days.  It will be nice to spend time with them all.  I keep quite busy, so I don't have a lot of time to spend "thinking" about Ray.  He is ALWAYS on my mind, but I keep too busy to get too upset or depressed. 

 

Amity is stable.  No significant changes...which is good for now.

 

Marguerite has been busy working in her gardens.  She is quite the worker!  As are all Rikers. 

 

It is still hot and humid here.  Thank God for air-conditioning. 

 

I am blessed and I hope to write more thoughts tomorrow.  -Jimmy

The busy summer keeps me occupied pretty much all of the day.  It helps keep my mind on "other" things.  It also keeps me from getting to do the little things I like to do - like post to my blog.  I have a moment now so i thought I would post.

 

Amity seems to be doing well.  Although she does have cancer and her days may be numbered...she is eating well, purring, coming downstairs and even letting guests pet her.  She seems liker her "old self."  So, until I see a decline in the quality of her life I will let her love life...and I will love her.

 

I found a cute video of Ray the other day.  It is from about 18 years ago.  I snuck up on him in the shower.  It made me smile...seeing his reaction, his laugh, his smile and his insistance that I "get out of here!"  I am happy to have those memories that I totally forgot about.

 

I miss him deeply.  At times my stomach feels sick.  I feel a loss in my heart.  I've mentioned it many, many times in my blog but it's still here.  And I know it will be for a long, long time. 

 

I have enjoyed the company of Ray's sister Grace and her husband dick over the last few days.  Having family here is so nice.  Marguerite is a "God send."  I must go, breakfast is waiting to be made. - Jimmy

Amity is doing "ok."  She is not better and according to the vet she won't get better.  She has cancer.  However, she seems to be doing "ok."  She went through some major surgery so I don't want to make a decision to put her down too soon.  She seems happy, was purring tonight and eating.  She could live another six month to a year as a happy cat.  Or another week.  I will wait and see.

 

I have been missing Ray terribly today.  Some days I just wish I could be with him.  I miss him so much.  How could one miss somebody so much?  I do.  This is my Friday update.  - Jimmy

Amity has been spending time with me in the mornings.  She is kneading my neck (something she always loves to do).  She is eating (although she is taking medication to give her an appetite).  But, after eating her food this morning she was been walking around "moaning."  It's a meow that kind of sounds like she is saying "I feel really sore!"  She did have major surgery so I guess I can expect that.  I gave her two of her pain medications (one she gets once a day and the other three times a day).  She seems to be settled down.  I'm afraid once the pain meds are done she will continue to suffer.  Or, maybe the pain from surgery will have subsided.  I don't know what to do.  If she is suffering I don't want that to continue.  However, if she is just in pain right now from sugery I don't want to expedite putting her down.  At this point I guess I will wait until next week to see how she is doing.  She has cancer which will not go away, so she is terminal.  I want to give her as long a life as possible....but a enjoyable life.  I hate having to make the decision.  At least with Gabby she jumped in bed with me and took her last breath on her own.  I almost wish that would happen with Amity.  With love and life comes pain and death.  - Jimmy

The pain medication I am giving Amity must be working some.  She actually came in bed with me this morning and curled up in my arm.  She purred and she even "kneaded" my neck.  She hasn't done that since coming home from surgery.  The pain meds are just to get through a few days until I can bring myself to accept the reality that I need to "put her down."  What a difficult thing to do.  If I see she is truly suffering after the meds are done I will have to do that.  Her diagnosis is terminal, so there's no chance that I can wait and see if she gets better.  She won't.  I will miss her terribly.

 

I move on.  My life is good.  In spite of my significant losses (or another yet to come) I have been blessed.  God is taking good care of me.  However, I still move along my day with a hole in my heart and forgetfulness.  I have so many things whirling in my mind that it's difficult to concentrate.  My day is just beginning.  I believe it will be a good day.  - Jimmy

I received a call from the vet today with the results of Amity's pathology report.  She has pancreatic cancer.  He informed me there are no good treatments.  Chemo regiments can be done, but I would have to take her to Lansing or Detroit.  He said they are painful and debilitating.  He said she is not going to get better and two reasonable alternatives are to let her live until she begins to suffer and euthenize her.  Or, do that now.  She seems to be in terrible pain.  I am getting some pain medication for her today so I can digest this information for a couple days and go from there.  I will probably take her to put her to rest before the end of the week.  I am SICK!!  - Jimmy

Today marks the sixth month anniversary of Ray's last day on earth.  I will remember every moment of that day for the rest of my life.  He was pronounced dead at 9:53 p.m. 

 

I move forward.  Having his tomstone in place really has given me some closure.  It feels like I can move to another level now with the cemetery "stuff" all finished. 

 

Today's weather is gorgous.  I am so happy for my guests. 

 

Marguerite's daughter Shannon came in last night to spend some time with her (and me).  I know Marquerite is happy to see her. 

 

I still wake daily with a sense of nervousness.  Not quite sure how I will feel daily.  - Jimmy

I took my cat Amity to the vet yesterday for surgery.  She has a tumor.  The vet was unable to remove the tumor without having to take out some of her pancrease.  That would cause more problems.  The tumor was filled with liquid.  He drained the tumor (the size of a golf ball) and sent the fluid out for lab tests.  He called me this morning and said she is still not eating.  She is down to 5 pounds.  I have a sinking feeling that she will not live much longer.  She has always been my "favorite little girl."  I will be sick when she dies.  I have hope that she can make it through this and live a while longer with me, but I am afraid that if she keeps losing weight her organs will start to fail and she will be too frail.  I can tell that her brother, Wiley, seems to be wondering where she is as he walks around the apartment.  The two of them are inseperable.  That is the start of my day today.  The weather is GORGOUS outside!  - Jimmy