I am creating a new blog web page.  Here one can post  comment, become a "follower" and I will have more options available to me in communicating. 

 

The new web address is:  www.jimgowran.blogspot.com. 

 

Thanks for keeping tabs on me and I hope you continue to at my new blog page.

 

- Jimmy

It's Friday.  Full house....SORRY sign is out.

 

It got a little chaotic around 3:00 or so, but everyone got checked in and I am tired.  I've been sleeping in room 3 since Monday, so now I am back upstairs and will watch some Judge Judy on TiVo before I go to bed.  Tried to watch the meteor shower out back at the pool, but I didn't see anything, so coming to bed sounded  better.  - Good Night, Jimmy

Another HOT day today.  I'm not complaining though.  In January I will WISH for days like this.  Just thank God for air-conditioning and pools! 

 

Yesterday Marguerite and I went to the outlet mall in Michigan City, Indiana.  It was a real nice drive and a great day away from the house.  I bought some new clothes to take with me to Vienna in November.  When we got home we looked at all the stuff we bought (something I love to do after shopping) and then went to Wild Dog for appetizers and shared a small pizza.  Great ending to a great day!

 

Labor Day is in sight.  Things will then start to slow down.  Bittersweet.  It will be nice to have a breather, but the income slows down big time.

 

I'm looking forward to seeing some great repeat guests this weekend!  - Jimmy

It's morning and a thunderstorm is rolling in.  I love thunderstorms.  Especially now that I am responsible for watering the lawn.  Now I know why Ray loved it when it rained.

 

Yesterday Ray's sister-in-law, Mary Ellen, had surgery.  I talked to Scott yesterday and he said everything went well.  Thank God.  They are planning to come here and visit next week.  It will be great to see them.

 

It was so HOT and HUMID yesterday.  It was unbelievable!  I just can't imagine living here in the days without air-conditioning.  My dad had this book titled "The Good Old Days - They Were Terrible."  I remember reading about how bad things actually were.  Unsanitary conditions, disease, etc.  It has always made me glad I live in the generation I live.  So many people think life would have been so wonderful in the 1800's - no me, I love air-conditioning, microwaves, TiVo, and the internet.  Well, enough about this.

 

I am still doing well.  I had a little bit of an emotional time last night looking at old pictures.  But it helps me get stronger.  I miss Ray so much.  I now know I can go on with life, but it seems so unfair to do so without Ray.  I feel guilty sometimes for doing so.  I feel as if I should stop "living" to respect Ray.  Thoughts too difficult to explain.  - Jimmy

Last night was a very nice evening.  Friends, Lisa and Don, are here and Don made a phenominal dinner last night for nine of us.  Ray worked with Lisa at the Lark and Tribute.  Don is a chef at a private club in the Detroit area.  Candy, Jim, Tony, Kelly, Phil, Lisa, Don, Marguerite and I all had dinner together.  I just wish Ray was on the list. 

 

I slept in room 3 last night.  Trying to get some better sleep since Amity wakes me up so early. 

 

I'm doing well.  I feel "ok."  I'm moving along.  - Jimmy

Seven months ago today was Ray's funeral.  At that time I had no idea how I would get through another hour let alone seven months.  I have done it.  It has been a challenge.  I could never have done it without help.  Grief counseling, support of friends, support of family, reading, crying, oh....and medication!  At times lately it seems like I am falling backwards.  My grief counselor told me I may come close to areas I have been in the past, but I'll never go back exactly to where I was.  That gives me hope.

 

I truly enjoy life differently now.  I do stop to smell the roses....literally.  I am not taking life so seriously.  Unfortunately I had to come to this reality after Ray's death.

 

Yesterday Marguerite and I went to an art/craft fair in Holland.  It was awesome.  A great day and the setting in the park was amazing.  I bought the most expensive piece of art I have ever purchased.  (Maybe not as expensive to some people, but it was to me.)  It is a 3D image of Lake Michigan carved into Birdseye Maple wood.  You can see the depths of the entire lake.  It is 2' by 3'.  It is beautiful and I'm sure my guests will enjoy viewing it.  I got a lot of "oohs, ahhhs, and wows" as I carried it to the car.  I also bought some yard sculptures.  It was a fun day. 

 

Marguerite has worked her hind off finishing off a garden Ray started three years ago.  It had gotten out of control and now it is just beautiful! 

 

I better go, ten minutes until coffee.  I feel good so far this morning.  Seven months.  - Jimmy

I feel like I am going backwards.  (Although I know I will never get back to the early days of grieving, I am coming around the corner to an area I've been before.  My grief counselor explained it to me the other day.)  After yesterday's episode, I awoke this morning with thoughts of January 3rd.  Of the horror of finding Ray dead.  Sometimes I just can't believe it's true.  It seems impossible that I was giving him mouth to mouth and CPR after it was too late.  I started to cry this morning.  I haven't had these feelings in several weeks.  I share them because that is what this blog is about.  I miss him so much. 

 

I am sitting here looking at a picture of him and his brother Scott at Scott's wedding.  How can such a vibrant man, full of energy and life be gone?  Many times I wish he were still alive and I could take his place.  He enjoyed life so much.  If there was a choice, I would have taken his place and let him live.  Although I know (as people have told me), Ray would have been grieving terribly too if I went before him...and I wouldn't want him to go through that.  So, I guess my thoughts are somewhat selfish.  I kind of wish I went before him not only so he could enjoy life, but so I wouldn't have to go through such grieving and pain.  Somedays my thoughts seem so wierd...they are hard to explain.

 

The morning air actually has a coolness to it today.  After all the heat and humidity. 

 

Marguerite and I made all the breakfast items last night before bed.  YEAH!  All we have to do this morning is put them in the oven.  I am going to watch Judge Judy and veg out before going down for breakfast.  Pray for me.  - Jimmy

Today I was laying out at the pool...all of five minutes.  The moment I sat down a check-in arrived.  I am so thankful for that.

 

While I was laying down on the lounge chair at the pool I kept looking at the back/side door and thinking that Ray should come out any moment and come sit by me.  I started to cry.  It was really a blessing that the guests checked in at that moment or I might have had a break down.

 

Today was a gorgous day!!  Marguerite and I had Mexican carry-out for dinner.  I am so tired.  I am going to try to watch a Judge Judy episode and then go to bed.  CHOW...JIMMY G.

On Tuesday I was feeling a bit sad with some light tears.  I was looking at pictures and feeling sentimental.  The following day I realized it was the seven month anniversary of Ray's death. 

 

Last night we had no guests.  The first night in two months.  (And now no break until late September.)  It felt odd.  It also gave me a chance to sit on the front porch alone.  I was feeling so sad.  I thought about how Ray and I would take advantage of a night with no guests and cook together, walk the gardens together and even skinny dip in the pool.  I cried.  I cried because I miss my best friend so much. 

 

I slept in room 3 last night.  It was very comforting.  This is where I slept most of January, February, March and April.  I think it gives me a closeness to Ray.  I long for those days last winter because it kind of makes me feel closer to Ray.  Hard to explain, but it somehow feels like back then was so soon after his death that so little time had gone by since we were together.  Now it is seven months. 

 

It is hot and humid outside.  Thank God for air-conditioning.  The dog days of summer are here.  Today is going to be 84 degrees and 90 by Tuesday.

 

I have grief counseling today.  I think it's good timing.  My journey continues.  I am getting better - but I'm afraid of the fall (autumn), when things slow down and it gets close to the anniversary of Ray's diagnosis.  Will everything come back to me and I'll go backwards in my healing?  Maybe not.  At this point I don't even want to celebrate or decorate for Christmas.  I'm afraid it will bring back too many emotions.  Fond memories of the past, and horrible memories of last year.

 

I should be sleeping in since I have no guests this morning and no breakfast to do.  But noooo, I was up at 6:15 a.m.  I am looking forward to seeing repeat guests this weekend!  - Jimmy

It is August and mid-summer.  I have come a long way from where I was in January.  The journey has been long, difficult, and educational.  I have learned a lot over the last several months.

 

It is now August 3, 2010 - the seven month anniversary of Ray's death.  I miss him terribly, however I am doing much better.

 

Amity is well.  She seems like her old self other than being skinny and still having the cancer.

 

I can tell it is mid summer.  I sleep until the very last minute.  There is something to do around the house every single minute.  But everything is "good."  Peace....Jimmy