Saturday, August 14, 2010
1:13 pm edt
I am creating a new blog web page. Here one can post comment, become a "follower" and I will have more options
available to me in communicating.
Thanks for keeping tabs on me and I hope you continue to at my new blog page.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Good Night, Jimmy
10:22 pm edt
It's Friday. Full house....SORRY sign is out.
It got a little chaotic around 3:00 or so, but everyone got checked in and I am tired. I've been sleeping in room
3 since Monday, so now I am back upstairs and will watch some Judge Judy on TiVo before I go to bed. Tried to watch
the meteor shower out back at the pool, but I didn't see anything, so coming to bed sounded better. - Good Night,
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Another Hot Day
7:32 am edt
Another HOT day today. I'm not complaining though. In January I will WISH for days like this. Just
thank God for air-conditioning and pools!
Yesterday Marguerite and I went to the outlet mall in Michigan City, Indiana. It was a real nice drive and a great
day away from the house. I bought some new clothes to take with me to Vienna in November. When we got home we
looked at all the stuff we bought (something I love to do after shopping) and then went to Wild Dog for appetizers and shared
a small pizza. Great ending to a great day!
Labor Day is in sight. Things will then start to slow down. Bittersweet. It will be nice to have a
breather, but the income slows down big time.
I'm looking forward to seeing some great repeat guests this weekend! - Jimmy
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Too Difficult to Explain
8:02 am edt
It's morning and a thunderstorm is rolling in. I love thunderstorms. Especially now that I am responsible
for watering the lawn. Now I know why Ray loved it when it rained.
Yesterday Ray's sister-in-law, Mary Ellen, had surgery. I talked to Scott yesterday and he said everything went
well. Thank God. They are planning to come here and visit next week. It will be great to see them.
It was so HOT and HUMID yesterday. It was unbelievable! I just can't imagine living here in the days without
air-conditioning. My dad had this book titled "The Good Old Days - They Were Terrible." I remember reading about
how bad things actually were. Unsanitary conditions, disease, etc. It has always made me glad I live in the generation
I live. So many people think life would have been so wonderful in the 1800's - no me, I love air-conditioning, microwaves,
TiVo, and the internet. Well, enough about this.
I am still doing well. I had a little bit of an emotional time last night looking at old pictures. But it
helps me get stronger. I miss Ray so much. I now know I can go on with life, but it seems so unfair to do so without
Ray. I feel guilty sometimes for doing so. I feel as if I should stop "living" to respect Ray. Thoughts
too difficult to explain. - Jimmy
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
9:49 am edt
Last night was a very nice evening. Friends, Lisa and Don, are here and Don made a phenominal dinner last night
for nine of us. Ray worked with Lisa at the Lark and Tribute. Don is a chef at a private club in the Detroit area.
Candy, Jim, Tony, Kelly, Phil, Lisa, Don, Marguerite and I all had dinner together. I just wish Ray was on the list.
I slept in room 3 last night. Trying to get some better sleep since Amity wakes me up so early.
I'm doing well. I feel "ok." I'm moving along. - Jimmy
Sunday, August 8, 2010
8:21 am edt
Seven months ago today was Ray's funeral. At that time I had no idea how I would get through another hour let alone
seven months. I have done it. It has been a challenge. I could never have done it without help. Grief
counseling, support of friends, support of family, reading, crying, oh....and medication! At times lately it seems like
I am falling backwards. My grief counselor told me I may come close to areas I have been in the past, but I'll never
go back exactly to where I was. That gives me hope.
I truly enjoy life differently now. I do stop to smell the roses....literally. I am not taking life so seriously.
Unfortunately I had to come to this reality after Ray's death.
Yesterday Marguerite and I went to an art/craft fair in Holland. It was awesome. A great day and the setting
in the park was amazing. I bought the most expensive piece of art I have ever purchased. (Maybe not as expensive
to some people, but it was to me.) It is a 3D image of Lake Michigan carved into Birdseye Maple wood. You can
see the depths of the entire lake. It is 2' by 3'. It is beautiful and I'm sure my guests will enjoy viewing it.
I got a lot of "oohs, ahhhs, and wows" as I carried it to the car. I also bought some yard sculptures. It was
a fun day.
Marguerite has worked her hind off finishing off a garden Ray started three years ago. It had gotten out of control
and now it is just beautiful!
I better go, ten minutes until coffee. I feel good so far this morning. Seven months. - Jimmy
Saturday, August 7, 2010
6:52 am edt
I feel like I am going backwards. (Although I know I will never get back to the early days of grieving, I am coming
around the corner to an area I've been before. My grief counselor explained it to me the other day.) After yesterday's
episode, I awoke this morning with thoughts of January 3rd. Of the horror of finding Ray dead. Sometimes I just
can't believe it's true. It seems impossible that I was giving him mouth to mouth and CPR after it was too late.
I started to cry this morning. I haven't had these feelings in several weeks. I share them because that is what
this blog is about. I miss him so much.
I am sitting here looking at a picture of him and his brother Scott at Scott's wedding. How can such a vibrant
man, full of energy and life be gone? Many times I wish he were still alive and I could take his place. He enjoyed
life so much. If there was a choice, I would have taken his place and let him live. Although I know (as people
have told me), Ray would have been grieving terribly too if I went before him...and I wouldn't want him to go through
that. So, I guess my thoughts are somewhat selfish. I kind of wish I went before him not only so he could enjoy
life, but so I wouldn't have to go through such grieving and pain. Somedays my thoughts seem so wierd...they are hard
The morning air actually has a coolness to it today. After all the heat and humidity.
Marguerite and I made all the breakfast items last night before bed. YEAH! All we have to do this morning
is put them in the oven. I am going to watch Judge Judy and veg out before going down for breakfast. Pray for
me. - Jimmy
Friday, August 6, 2010
10:06 pm edt
Today I was laying out at the pool...all of five minutes. The moment I sat down a check-in arrived. I am
so thankful for that.
While I was laying down on the lounge chair at the pool I kept looking at the back/side door and thinking that Ray should
come out any moment and come sit by me. I started to cry. It was really a blessing that the guests checked in
at that moment or I might have had a break down.
Today was a gorgous day!! Marguerite and I had Mexican carry-out for dinner. I am so tired. I am going
to try to watch a Judge Judy episode and then go to bed. CHOW...JIMMY G.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Seven Months and Two Days
7:34 am edt
On Tuesday I was feeling a bit sad with some light tears. I was looking at pictures and feeling sentimental.
The following day I realized it was the seven month anniversary of Ray's death.
Last night we had no guests. The first night in two months. (And now no break until late September.)
It felt odd. It also gave me a chance to sit on the front porch alone. I was feeling so sad. I thought about
how Ray and I would take advantage of a night with no guests and cook together, walk the gardens together and even skinny
dip in the pool. I cried. I cried because I miss my best friend so much.
I slept in room 3 last night. It was very comforting. This is where I slept most of January, February, March
and April. I think it gives me a closeness to Ray. I long for those days last winter because it kind of makes
me feel closer to Ray. Hard to explain, but it somehow feels like back then was so soon after his death that so little
time had gone by since we were together. Now it is seven months.
It is hot and humid outside. Thank God for air-conditioning. The dog days of summer are here. Today
is going to be 84 degrees and 90 by Tuesday.
I have grief counseling today. I think it's good timing. My journey continues. I am getting better
- but I'm afraid of the fall (autumn), when things slow down and it gets close to the anniversary of Ray's diagnosis.
Will everything come back to me and I'll go backwards in my healing? Maybe not. At this point I don't even want
to celebrate or decorate for Christmas. I'm afraid it will bring back too many emotions. Fond memories of the
past, and horrible memories of last year.
I should be sleeping in since I have no guests this morning and no breakfast to do. But noooo, I was up at 6:15
a.m. I am looking forward to seeing repeat guests this weekend! - Jimmy
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
12:30 am edt
It is August and mid-summer. I have come a long way from where I was in January. The journey has been long,
difficult, and educational. I have learned a lot over the last several months.
It is now August 3, 2010 - the seven month anniversary of Ray's death. I miss him terribly, however I am doing
Amity is well. She seems like her old self other than being skinny and still having the cancer.
I can tell it is mid summer. I sleep until the very last minute. There is something to do around the house
every single minute. But everything is "good." Peace....Jimmy